Mostly I’m Sane, Except on Thursday

I think I mentioned it.

I have a new housekeeper.

She started last Thursday. She was an hour late. Not a good sign.

She’s due again today. In about ten minutes.

I’ve had a housekeeper before.

It was years ago.

It was great.

She came and went while I was busy trying to extricate various criminals from the long arm of the law.

I have no place to escape from now, being “retired” and all. I feel “in the way” in my own home.

Now you have heard it all. Complaining about the inconvenience of having a housekeeper.

Don’t I just beat all?

But since I’m doing such a bang up job of complaining, why stop now?

A couple of days ago, I stopped by the local grocery to pick up a few items to drop off at the church.

I had two large bags of paper plates and two large boxes of plastic silverware. They were slightly unwieldy but I had not thought to grab a cart. I balanced them precariously as I made my way to the express lane.

Of course upon arrive, I found two people in front of me.

Of course, one of those two persons, a somewhat elderly lady, (you know the kind, they take forEVER to write a check), apparently had a good case of the counting disorder.

As in, how does six filled plastic bags in a cart = fifteen items?

The man behind me, who had no where near fifteen items, but did have the intelligence to have a cart, grinned as I whispered, “creative counting”,  all the while threatening to dump my silverware into the Lays Potato Chip display. I was threatening that is, not him.  He grinned and offered the usual manly helping hand.

“I bet you didn’t know that items of the same type, i.e. bread count as ONE no matter how many loaves you actually have, did you?”

“Why no”, he laughed. “Is that how it’s done?”

“Yes, but that’s just the beginning of how you get to fifteen. You can use the “all breakfast items are ONE”, all non-foods are ONE, all fruits are ONE. I mean do you count a bag of six apples as six? Of course not. No reason to count a grapefruit as an individual thing when it’s really just a different looking kind of apple. Or at least it could be called generically a citrus.”

By now, a second all you can stuff up your shirt lane had opened, and my best check out clerk was at the helm. She motioned me over and I gratefully dumped my load on her counter. “Do me a favor,” I intoned, “have that sign changed to creative counting, or How to make thirty-two items into fifteen.”

She laughed. “Honey, I can tell you that I’ve seen far worse than thirty-two in my day.”

Adventures in the Express Lane. It would make a good book title.

Which reminds me, I have an acquaintance who hasn’t a clue what the difference is between stupid and ignorant. True to form, she refuses to look either up to become informed. This borders on being both at the same time, or as I define it:

Being stupid is being ignorant and then opening your mouth and letting the whole world in on it.

Speaking of which, stupid or ignorant, that is. I have another story of small dimension.

I’ve been having the hair-pulling joy of trying to explain evolution to people who are very sure that God did it all in six days, and just 6+ thousand years ago. I mean it drives sane women to drink to engage in this sort of baby steps approach to human learning.

So after link after link of “here are tons of real biblical experts, and here are lots of theologians, and here are honest to goodness WHOLE Freaking Churches who know there is no dilemma between science and God, all I can arouse from that creaky rusty brain is:

“Well, no matter what you say, I still will never believe humans come from monkeys! I mean monkeys are still having monkey babies, aren’t they? Show me one that had a human baby?”

Well, slap my face and show me whose boss!

I’m relatively certain that God reserves the best accommodations for those of us who maintain a straight face (online of course) to that type of remark, all the while not shouting from the roof tops–STELLLLLAAAAA I MAY JUST HAVE FOUND THE MOST INSIPIDLY STUPID PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET.

It raises the real specter that indeed there may be people in this world not worth educating, but rather just consigning them to bottle Soylent Green in dark factories, allowing them to scurry to underground caves for their rest and meal of gruel. Only allowed to procreate under adult supervision. Ew, that sounds gross doesn’t it?

This was followed by the following episode of “Aw, come on, I really can be dumber than a whisk broom”.

I asked the reasonable, (or so I thought) question which went something like this:

Given that 71 children under the age of 12 have died since Newtown, the result of negligent gun ownership by adults, would you agree that at the least we might try background checks just to see if we can keep guns out of the hands of people who can’t be trusted with them and thus prevent needless deaths?

The answer I got?

“Sherry, just because you think that will prevent them,  is just your opinion. There will always be children dying you know.”

Yes, and horses will continue to defecate at will, but I can keep them off the kitchen floor can’t I? But I do wish to offer my condolences. I understand that when the right and left brains are severed, some people manage to develop fairly normally. Sorry that you weren’t one of them.

Just to prove that I have a sense of humor, I leave you with another Contrarianism. Those who read regularly know that sometimes, nothing beats a Contrarianism, or Sometimes you feel like a nut.

So, out of the blue the other night, I got asked this:

“So did it take you a long time to get used to wearing those shoes?” referring to my flip-flops.

“What?”

“I tried them once. Got horrible blisters between my toes. Just horrible.”

“No doubt you did. I’ve been wearing them since I was a kid, ” I sighed, not knowing what else was coming.

“Anybody with a brain would know that you don’t shove something between your toes. That’s why there is a between . . . .to protect the between part. I mean that’s obvious, right?”

“I’m going to sleep now.”

WAKE UP!

I’m done. Return all tray tables to their upright positions.

We have landed.

ADDENDUM. The housekeeper just called. Can’t make it. Probably is passing kidney stones. Pray for her. Forgot all about her job. Doctor said it’s probably kidney stones. Going to doctor. Pray for me.

Why me Lord?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Stupid Chronicles April 27, 2013

Look closely at the picture attached here. This is the face of lunacy. You now know exactly what to look for when you casually saunter down the street. When you see lunacy, run!

This man’s name is James Tracy. No not Dick Tracy. He bears not brain-sharing with the great detective of comics. No James is one of those rare nuts who actually somehow made it through grad school and got a degree, and purports to teach our youth.

If you have a child enrolled in Florida Atlantic, I’d suggest you shut off the funds now, and get your kid immediately.

James is certifiable. James “teaches” (I use the term loosely of course) communications and, get this, conspiracy theory. James is a conspiracy. A conspiracy to appear like a normal human being.

James believes the Boston Marathon bombing was “staged”. For all the world, to him, it looks like a pre-organized drill.

In short, the event closely resembles a mass-casualty drill, which for training purposes are designed to be as lifelike as possible. Since it is mediated, however, and primarily experienced from afar through the careful assemblage of words, images, and the official pronouncements and commentary of celebrity journalists, it has the semblance of being for all practical purposes “real.”
….

With the above in mind, photographic evidence of the event suggests the possibility of play actors getting into position after the detonation of what may in fact have been a smoke bomb or similarly benign explosive.

And goody of all goodies there is a video!

And you can read more of Tracy’s insanity at his own blog.

New Hampshire makes another appearance in the crazy parade with an entry from their state legislature. Stella Trembley, oh STELLLLLLA, what have you done now?

Stella no doubt in communication with Mr. Tracy, has her own theories about the Boston Marathon bombing.

Stella pays attention to that great witless Beck, so she posted this on Beck’s site:

Just as you said would happen. Top Down, Bottom UP. The Boston Marathon was a Black Ops “terrorist” attack. One suspect killed, the other one will be too before they even have a chance to speak. Drones and now “terrorist” attacks by our own Government. Sad day, but a “wake up” to all of us. First there was a “suspect” then there wasnt. Infowars broke the story and they knew they had been “found out”.
http://youtu.be/axQtAFtmtVA

Yes, I’m sure that Stella believes that George Bush ordered the 9/11 tragedy as well.

Note as well that the YouTube link she gave on her comment is from none other than career nut Alex Jones.

We did mention that Ms. Stella is a Republican didn’t we? No? Well you knew that anyway didn’t you?

One thing you can be sure of, the stupids are well, really really stupid. That’s why they are so endearing, when they are not annoying gnats in need of swatting.

Such is the case of Representative Tom Shaw, who resides at the Iowa State House, where he plays tiddlywinks most of the day long until it’s time for his chocolate milk and nap break.

Tommy is still mighty angry at the justices of the Iowa Supreme Court, who several years ago had the temerity to actually follow the constitution and declare Iowa’s refusal to allow gays to marry, well, unconstitutional.

Tommy figured out a neat plan to punish the four remaining justices (three were defeated for re-election after a tissue of lies campaign forged by one VanderPlatts and his homophobic friends).

Tommy has offered up a bill directed just at these four justices, cutting their salaries from $163, 200, to just $25,000.

Tommy thinks it’s constitutional.

Tommy is of course an idiot.

Tommy can usually be spotted at the capital building in Des Moines, being led around by his thinking-brain dog Charles.

Tommy also wears Depends and poops in them regularly, so people learn to take a wide berth when seeing him.

From Iowa, we move a bit north and east to my original neck of the woods–Michigan.

Here we find Gloria Platko, a Democrat up in Buena Vista County. She doesn’t seem particularly fond of township supervisor Dwayne Parker, whom she referred to with the “N” word.

She also adjectived that word with “arrogant”.

Gloria, poor dear, was unaware that she was being taped when she made the remarks.

She regrets them of course. NOW.

She assures us she is no racist, because in that time-honored defense, “she’s eaten Thanksgiving dinner at the homes of blacks before.”

She said she probably should have used the word ignoramus.

Sorry, Gloria, that word is taken. You have that dubious distinction of owning the word.

Give back your salary.

It’s always a good bet that Donald Trump can make a stupid list.

The first question or observation one makes about The Donald, is how could stupid make that much money?

Donald doesn’t like Jon Stewart much.

That would be obvious, since Stewart, like all good thinking people tends to point out Donald’s numerous stupid moments.

Donald has another major flaw other than being stupid. He’s very thin-skinned and fights back, hate to use the phrase, but it fits, “like a girl.”

You know what I mean, all snotty and so forth.

So to “get back” at Stewart for being, well, really brilliant at what he does, Trump said,

I am smarter than Jon Stewart will ever be because he is so stupid and because his real name is not even Jon Stewart. It’s something much more Jewish-y. So, ha! Also: he is overrated.

He tweeted it too.

So there, Jon Stewart: It’s all out now. You’re a JEW!, or Jewish-y at least. Take that!

Trumpet head remains, as always,  an idiot.

Oh Gosh, that was a joke Donald, don’t sue me!

Related articles

• N.H. State Rep. Stella Tremblay – “What am I going to apologize for? Asking questions?” (willyloman.wordpress.com)
• Boston Marathon Bombing Conspiracy: Attack Was U.S. False Flag, Says Florida Professor (latinospost.com)

Can You Understand a TeaPotter?

Okay, I confess. I don’t understand the TeaPotters. It’s not for lack of trying. I truly have tried.

What the problem seems to be, is that in order to understand them, you have to forget a whole lot of stuff you know. Like facts about history, your basic understanding of the constitution, things like that. It helps if you are fairly uninformed about science too.

Wikipedia defines them thusly:

the Tea Party movement tends to be anti-government, anti-spending, anti-Obama, anti-tax, nationalistic, in favor of strict immigration legislation^[26] and against compromise politics. Since the 2012 elections, many local Tea Party factions have shifted their focus to state nullification of the health care law, and protesting the United Nations Agenda 21.^{[27][28][29][30][31][32]} The Tea Party is skeptical towards the courts, shows a commitment to individualism and takes an originalist view in constitutional interpretation. ^[33] The Tea Party is opposed to the bailouts, stimulus packages, and has expressed an interest in repealing the Sixteenth and Seventeenth Amendments. It is also in favor of amending the Constitution to grant states the right to veto

federal laws. It is known as the Repeal Amendment.^[34]

Read that part again. They are generally in favor of an originalist” view of the constitution. Now I know a few teapotters myself, and I am categorically sure that they wouldn’t have a clue about what originalist even means, let alone how it might apply to the constitution. That is defined as one of two things, “original intent” or “original meaning”. That would require at minimum a thorough knowledge of the Federalist Papers. Again, the teapotters I know haven’t read that collection EVER.

But here’s what really strikes me as hysterical. In the same breath that they tell you that the constitution is the most important document (next to the Bible of course) ever created by mortal and or immortal hands, they are, as stated above, not so sure we shouldn’t repeal the 16th and 17th and then add an amendment of two. So this perfect document ain’t so perfect after all.

And don’t forget the 14th Amendment which Teapotters don’t like because of that Section 1 giving citizenship to all those born within its confines. (read anchor babies!!)

See, that’s the crazy logic merry-go-round one is forced to ride upon if one wishes to “understand” the average teapotter.

I think what they mean, and it’s only a guess since trying to figure out the logic behind a teapotters beliefs is a bit like trying to find a tiny white pearl in a ton of newly fallen snow, is that they like the Constitution, except some of those amendments. Some is the operative word here since the one they embrace with both of their beer-huggin’ arms is the 2nd.

Now the 2nd has many scholarly definitions, but to a teapotter it’s real simple: I can buy all the sexy sounding, and biggest killin’ machine guns that are marketed and go to war against the Feds should they “tread on me”. The usual teapotter has watched a tad too many John Wayne movies in his white privileged life, and is darn certain that an armed march on Washington is just what the country needs.

The 1st Amendment is okay as far as it goes. I mean THEY have a right to say what they wish, but Muslims?–well not so sure about them. And that part about separation of church and state, well that don’t mean good Christians should be hampered in their right to display their version of God in every public place–all others are lucky that they can practice their versions behind closed doors–and that’s somewhat iffy too.

If they argue that the Constitution broadly protects a persons right to be left alone, they see that as selective as well. Women have no rights to be left alone when it comes to their reproductive body parts. White men have always known better where that’s concerned. After all, it’s their responsibility to ensure the survival of the white race.

Gays have all the rights in the world as long as they do things heterosexually. Anything else is against God’s wishes as they see it, though they aren’t too sure why God created gays anyway. Most assume gays are just willful and stubborn adherents to a lifestyle they find more “fun” than hetero life. One is never quite sure whether they are complaining or not.

Blacks (who are never called African-American) could be just as good as white people if they would only act more white. Just try harder!

Most teapotters are happy to tell you just how hard they have had to work for EVERYTHING they have, and boy you should be impressed by their sacrifices. What is left unsaid of course, is that they feel cheated by their country because as they walk down that last bit of road to the pearly gates, they definitely aren’t living the life they feel entitled to.

That of course is due to the feds who take all their money in taxes and give it to the “lazies” the “takers” the 47%’ers, and other such names. Since they are not deemed worthy of respect, they aren’t really entitled to any of the constitutional things any way.

Mostly it comes down to as best I can tell is this: Teapotters want the country run by white people and they don’t want to pay for anything beyond a big old military. The Constitution was written by them, for them, and about them. It doesn’t really apply to anyone else. Anyone getting in the way of “their way of life” is to be declared an “illegal” “enemy combatant” or some other such “backward, heathen reprobate” and dealt with by means that Jack Bauer would approve of.

PS: If you are not white, male and Christian, you can of course be left fairly alone as long as you act white, male and Christian.

The TEA PARTY: brought to you by free market big business. You fell for that one too teapotters.

Solution to the teapotter problem: send them all back to high school and start all over again.

 

 

 

The Stupid Chronicles for April 20, 2013

Oh don’t mind me, I’m just acting like a Hispanic. Yes dear Louis the Lunatic tops our list today. But it was a close call I tell ya. Louis never fails to deliver the one two punch of stupid all wrapped up in crazy nearly every week. We sometimes wonder if Louis has a bank of writers who dream up his lines, but on reflection that would surely tip the balance and throw civilization into a retrograde orbit.

Louis dear Louis has a gem for us today. Let me put it thusly. Louis viewed Rodin’s the Thinker, and opined, “why is that dude taking a shit in public?”

Louis doesn’t have a pet rock, he’s the pet rock’s pet.

Louis knows his terrorists and he is here to tell you what he has learned. Islamic terrorist organizations are busy helping their Arab folks “act Hispanic” so they can cross the border from Mexico into America. (added joy: there is a video!)

Yes you heard it here.

Although Louis had no opinion of who caused the Boston Marathon bombings at the time he said this, he was pretty darn sure that a fence is the way to go. After all, Israel’s suicide bombings stopped when they built their fence, he offered, unaware that that is not at all true. A good guess is always good enough for Louis.

Compatriot idiot Steve King (R-IA) nodded in agreement and said that the immigration reform bill should be held up, because surely this bombing was caused (he thinks) by some student on a visa.

Louis offered no ideas about how one “acts” Hispanic. Several racist theories comes to mind, but Louis stopped short of asking people to be on the watch for the “typical” Hispanic behaviors. He did whisper that a dead giveaway that you were dealing with a “pretend” Hispanic was to offer him a jalapeño pepper and see if he cries out in anguish and calls for water after taking a bite.

Texas takes our number two spot as well, which isn’t a big surprise–it’s a big state with big idiots in it.

This is Ms. Ester Irene Stokes. She’s a school teacher in Texas. Or was, or confound it, she probably got herself a medal now.

Anyway, she was accused of fondling one of her female students. Now Ms. Stokes is 61 and the child in question was seven. So that is very bad stuff.

So Ms. Stokes tells police and anyone else who will listen that she is not guilty.

You probably assumed that didn’t ya?

Yes, well she has a rather unique defense.

She says that she is such a racist that she can barely stand to touch those little black girls in her class. The mere touch of their hands gives her the heebie jeebies and sends her off to wash off that black skin feel. I mean she actually cringes when the little nappy heads try to hug here, which must happen once every ice age at least.

There have been no responses by the school in question as to whether Ms. Stokes was still employed. What ya wanna make a bet she won’t have any trouble finding another job in some parts of the country at least.

No doubt that face will be forever seared in your brain.

Third on our hit parade for the week is Maine’s governor Paul LaPage.

Now Paulie has come to our attention before as you can note from some of his best work at the right.

But he kinda ran out of material for a little while. After the last couple of days though, I think he’s back in fighting form.

The Bangor News seems to have a particularly low opinion in the Guv, suggesting that he “makes things up” a lot.

Well, Paul is at it again. Paul doesn’t like wind power. He thinks it’s somehow un-American, being all cheap and non-polluting and such. Oil and Gas don’t like air power and that’s enough for big Paul.

So Paul said, “Now, to add insult to injury, The University of Maine, Presque Isle – anybody here been up there to see that damn windmill in the back yard? Guess what, if it’s not blowing wind outside and they have somebody visiting the campus, they have a little electric motor that turns the blades. I’m serious. They have an electric motor so that they can show people wind power works. Unbelievable. And that’s the government that you have here in the state of Maine.”

Of course, no such thing is true. The University says there is no “little motor”.

All this would be funny, and it is, but the answer to Paulie’s nonsense is that he’s touched in the head. Read crazy as a loon. Read, coming up on Louis’s shoulder and threatening to pass.

Paulie intends to run for re-election. He predicts that the teacher’s unions better watch out, cuz he’s coming for them. And his new idol? Well that ever-favorite of Wisconsin, Scott Walker.

“I will guarantee you that you will see the most vicious education campaign ads that you’ve ever seen in your life next year, because I am going to be the next Scott Walker in this country, because I am challenging the status quo.”

No, Paulie is challenging the all-time low IQ in the USA. I am putting my bets he will win.

Fourth is a new face for us, GOP House Representative from Iowa, Dennis Guth.

Guth is one of those self-styled experts on the issue of homosexuality.

Guth first focused on the media and accused them of making that homosexual lifestyle seem good and nice, when we all know it’s really yucky.

See, Guth says, homosexuals are like “second-hand” smoke, they cause harm to those around them who are normal. They cause health risks to his family he says, by their increased invitation to transmittable sexual diseases. He opines that there are “more medical tests required” before you can give blood or birth. He thinks they are connected but forgot to say how.

Other than that, Guth was unable to explain why their diseases would “harm” his family, unless of course one posits that either he or members of his family regularly engage the services of willing homosexuals for ummm, sex.

Guth is an idiot, and his Democratic colleague told him so.

Our fifth and last entry for the week comes from good old Arkansas, a state that often shows us the butt end of humanity.

Nate Bell, is (you guessed it) a REPUBLICAN state rep from good old Ar-KANSAS, who is a protector of the 2nd Amendment, which he neither understands, nor defends with anything other than yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay blather.

Well, inside that fun face is a very human and very empathetic individual. So as soon as he heard about the manhunt going on in Boston and its environs, wondered via Twitter:

I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a high-capacity magazine?

I mean how sympathetic can a guy be?

I mean really?

Nate withdrew the Tweet once it was pointed out to him that he was being a total douche. Of course it was up long enough for a long list of people to tell him that.

Good luck Nate on re-election.

And if you have not run into these videos (YouTube has several by the same guy), then sit back and for a couple of minutes, just chortle your little heart out. Dry up your tears at the above and replace with belly laughs.

Related articles

• LePage Spins Windmill Conspiracy Theory (thetippingpoint.bangordailynews.com)
• Outrage as Rep. Gohmert says radical islamists being trained to act Hispanic (nbclatino.com)

 

Day in the Life of Dog

It’s me. Diego. Also known as “the dog”, “butthead” and sometimes “pumpkin”.  My momsy is busy so I thought I wud tells you about my days here in Las Cruces.

I am a busy guy. I like being busy. I need to get busy showing my momsy take better pictures of me than the one to the right. But that’s another whole story.

My days, as I said, is busy. I have lots of jobs to do. It starts out with getting popsy up in the morning. Momsy says I am to wake him up but not her. Popsy is supposed to turn Momsy’s coffee on. I sometimes catch a few winks with momsy after I have hauled the old man out of his bed. He don’t like that much I tell ya.

Okays, so after I gets Popsy up, I has to listen for my paper distributer. He’s a nice enough fella, but very unreliable. So I listens real real careful for his car. Then I gets all excited and twirls around and whines. The parentals seem to get what I mean. So Popsy opens the garage door and I run as fast as I can and grab that old paper off the driveway. And I runs it back in as fast as my four paws can scramble which is pretty fast I tell ya.

Then I grab a bite or two of my kibble which is my snack food. Then Popsy’s phone goes off and he goes “sweetie, sweetie, it’s quarter to.” Whatever that means she grumps and gets up, Momsy that is. I give her kisses.

Ya see, my first job, before all the others is to be cute and loving. I am really really good at that. It comes natural to me. I don’t knows why. But I got to be happy, cuz heck, I’m alive, what’s to be unhappy about. Hooomans are weird. They get grumpy for dumb reasons. So I gots to cheer ‘em up with my big smile.

So anyways, after a while, I finally convince my Momsy it’s time for me to walk her. I gets her all dressed and we go out for our walk. I feel bad that hooomans only gots two feets, cuz it’s lots more fun when you gots four like me. I mean hooomans are sooooo slow!

‘K. I guess you might have heard I gots a new fence. It makes my patrol area bigger. And I can look for bad people easier. ‘Cept we don’t seem to have any bad people around here. Which is darn good, cuz I don’t like to be mean. I growl at the man who fixes stuff around here and made my fence. He reminds me of somebody who was mean to me. I can’t ‘member any more ’bout that tho.

Did you hear about my hair cut? It looks real nice and is comfortable for me. I fits in me bed better! That was a joke! Anyways, Momsy has a man called Roger who cuts her hair, and Popsy goes to the same place but in a different part to get his hairs cut off, but me? They don’t take me there. It says “fambly hair cuts” but they don’t take me there. I don’t know why. My hair guy came right to my house! He was nice, but I was kinda scared of that buzzy thing around you-know-where! But he didn’t hurt me. Popsy said I smelled like a girl. I like girls.

There is a disease here in my neighborhood. It’s called “gotta rub a belly” disease. It’s a big effort and sacrifice on my part, but I go around and tend to all the hooomans who suffer from it. I take my belly right too ‘em. There is this one lady, Lizbeth, she got it real bad. I go over there ever chance I can. Momsy is always apologizin’ for my “bothering” her, but she really needs to rub my belly, I mean it’s like she’s addicted to it!

I would recommend my Momsy to you if you are hungry. She cooks real real good. She still won’t let me eat at the table tho. I don’t get that.

We got this big thing in our libbing room, and it talks. My parentals watch it at night. They watch the Newwwwz on it. Momsy yells at the people talking on it then. She calls them “liars!” I don’t know what that means. Other than that, I don’t pay much attention. I chewz my bones.

I get my bonez from a place called Pet Solutions, and the mailsguy brings it to my door. Popsy left them out the last time, and I nearly got squished by the garage door saving them. I mean I don’t want my bonez stealed! I made Popsy bring them in where they were safe. I chewz them all up. Momsy won’t let me chewz them in bed tho.

I used to have  digging boxes, but they put stinky plants in them and I figure they don’t want me to dig in them now. So I don’t. Unless I forgets. Then Momsy waves her arms and says words I dare not repeat here! Popsy laughs because I like to go out and lay on the stones on my back and sunbathe my belly.

My belly rubbers says they like a tanned belly. I try to help as best I can.

I is a smart dog. And I mean that. I am as smart as the little peoples that come to visit me. They are funny, but not much as to conversation. I like the little little peoples. I am careful not to knock them down. I really am.

Momsy says I got to go. She says I talk as much as she does. That would be hard to do I tell ya.

I am so glad I ‘dopted Momsy and Popsy. They is good hooomans, and that is saying sompin in my book!

Bye, Diego saying bye.

Sooo, I’m Waiting for the Big Celebration!

Yeah, I’m waiting for the doorbell to ring, and the balloons to fall, and the gaily wrapped presents to tumble into my lap. Just to keep me busy, while I’m waiting, I walked the dog, cleaned the house, did a load of laundry, and got groceries.  I was pretty sure everyone was hiding in the bedroom when Diego and I returned from our desert jaunt.

I was even more sure that the backyard would be stacked with friends and relatives when I got back with bags of groceries. I even changed my top to look extra nice.

The guys are here to paint the rest of the new fence out front. I’m waiting, because no doubt they brought all the presents with them. Along with the paint.

Speaking of which, Diego loves his new fence. He runs out his back door and speeds around the house to check out what the neighbors are doing. He has a water dish in case he gets thirsty. He has plenty of shade. He likes it all. He’s thinking of what he wants for his birthday, and we haven’t yet even picked a date for his “birthday” yet. He seems unconcerned about it all.

Actually, I don’t pay much attention to birthdays. Other people’s? Yes, I pay attention to that because that’s polite. My own? Naw. The Contrarian managed to remember before the morning was over. That’s saying a lot. Heck we often talk about our anniversary and then get so caught up in living, that we forget when it actually hits.

Having a birthday now is sorta of a badge of survival anyway. I’m not sure that makes me feel a lot better about being 63 years of age. I’m smarter than I was at 36. But what to do with all that stuff stuffed in there? I have no clue. I figure when you get to heaven you get to put all that stuff in a box. I’m not sure how to make enchilada sauce is a useful thing in heaven.

We are going out to eat today. That’s what we usually do on Monday, so I don’t even get an EXTRA “out to eat” day. That seems wrong, and somehow doesn’t make today’s out-to-eat day all that special. I noted that on google search they had cupcakes and candles? Was that for me?

I got the usual number of “X posted on your wall” in Facebook. It took me a minute to realize it was the “happy birthday” obligatory if you can remember, stop by to type happy birthday. Or Have a great day! Or Hope you have a super birthday!  Or words to that effect. Do you try to come up with something a bit different to make it appear that you actual care? I do. But I confess I don’t think of the person’s “happy day” much past the click of the mouse to the next page.

I haven’ really thought about anything I “want” for my birthday. I pretty much buy what I want anyway. When you can afford to buy most things, nothing much seems very special does it? Unlike Tiny Tim and his wonder at the goose for Christmas in A Christmas Story. Or all those stories about pioneer life in the olden days when an orange and gum drop were major delights to be swooned over and enjoyed slowly and to the last drop on Christmas morning.

I got a number of “gifts” from some stores. JCP sent me a $5 dollar gift certificate. Pier One gave me a 25% off ticket. I got a bunch of tickets from JoAnn Fabrics. My broker sent a card, my dentist a $5 coupon at some ice cream palace over on RoadRunner Rd. I’m sure they all are thinking about me today. That makes me feel warm inside.

I noted that the wind stopped blowing as Diego and I walked into the desert. I’m sure it was homage to me and my desire not to walk into a head wind. I thought that was nice of Mother Nature, aka, God.

The housework went nicely, all the dust cooperated and clung to my dust cloths. Some people call their dust cloths rags, but I think that’s just mean. How do you expect a slip of cloth to do its job well when it’s referred to as a rag? I mean really. These things are important folks.

The car cooperated in my drive into town for groceries. That was a nice gift I thought. It’s been a thoroughly nice car for some time, although the engine light does like to come up a lot. That’s got to do with the catalytic converter according to the computer code at Auto Somethingorother place, which hooked her up and said she was only unhappy with her fuel mixture. It goes on and off. We can disconnect the battery and let her sit and stew in her unelectrified self for a bit and then plug her back up, and the light stays off—until it doesn’t again. She’s just petulant.

Actually I think the car is not a she. But I haven’t gotten under her to check for sure.

If you are in your twenties and reading this, boy are you in the wrong place. Unless you are studying to become a geriatric nurse. Then you can screw OFF. I’m being polite, and not using the F word. If you are in your 30-50′s, then the above is a preview of the state of mind you too will attain upon reaching your 60′s. It’s got to do with social security. It’s not very social, and not very secure by the way. And Medicare doesn’t care one whit I suspect either. You’re just another warm body until you are a cold body. And then it’s on to someone else.

So hey, if you get lucky and get to be 63, you too can be the happy person you’re reading right now! Aren’t you excited?

Yeah, well screw off then too!

Just kidding.

Sorta.

 

 

 

John Boehner Seeks Asylum in Any Non-Tea Drinking Country

Seriously, the dude will go anywhere where tea is not drunk, spoken of, or dangled precariously off the rims of head-gear.

John is dangerously close to drowning in a sea of tea. The mere mention of Boston makes him shudder. The words Pekoe or Darjeeling make him quiver in fear.

John is scared I tell ya. Things never thought to be on his horizon are looming like orca whales with maws agape. He can smell the fine stomach acids emanating from their bellies in anticipation of John Meat.

You remember the Hastert Rule no doubt. A cute piece of party law, instituted by that great constitutionalist and all-around patriot, Dennis Hastert, the rule was designed to protect the GOP from embarrassment when a few too many of its members felt compelled to vote “nay” to a popular piece of legislation.

Hastert instituted it so that no legislation was ever brought to the floor unless it already had a majority of Republican votes. When a majority chose not to violate, say their allegiance to the United States of Exxon-Mobile or America the NRA, they were protected from having to take that stance publicly, because old Denny would just not let the bill come to the floor for a vote.

And that, ladies and gents is the way real DEMON-ocracy works in Merika.

So, Johnny the Orange has lived by the Hastert rule since his speakership began. It worked flawlessly until, oh say, when the GOP got its butt handed to it in slices via the 2012 election. Suddenly, with Congressional approval ratings on life-support, and most of that directed at the GOP, well, things had to change.

John first violated the Hastert Rule over the December 2012 “fiscal cliff” discussion, realizing that unless he wanted to start digging his own and his party’s grave, it was the sensible thing to do. That was followed the Hurricane Sandy relief bill of which his own tea Potter clan refused to accede. Now this was considered highly egregious by even the non-Tea Potters within the party seeing as how they had always supported relief packages quickly in the face of need to the Midwest and the South East.

And then of course Boehner was forced to abandon Denny’s Detour Delight once again when it came to the Violence Against Women Act, an act that was already a law, but needed periodic “re” validation. The Tea Potters objected to those gay women being protected and those native women being assaulted by white guys who had just had a bit too much to drink. I mean ALL assaults aren’t bad are they?

But Boehner saw the writing on the wall (volumes of mail calling him names that are not printable here), and brought all three of these bills before the full house and getting them passed with sizeable Nays from the Tea Potters who really hated being “outed” (pardon my gay reference) by their chief of crap.

So, what has all that got to do with Boehner’s desire to leave our fair shores?

Well, Boehner has been warned by his Tea Dribblers that this outing has to stop. They, as any good Republican certainly knows, want to continue to hide behind the very substantial pants of one Dennis Hastert and his curtain of shame. And they have told Johnny, to stop THAT.

Except now, John is squarely in the crosshairs (pardon the gun pun) of the gun safety issue.

You see, it seems that there is a very good likelihood that the Manchin-Toomy bill will pass the Senate. It is a not so great bill, since it comes with the usual loopholes (like how are we policing “sales between relatives” and what the hell constitutes a “neighbor”), but it’s better than no bill at all, which was looking awful likely a couple of days ago.

So John, who has been able to avoid doing much of anything for 4+ years because he could count on the filibuster keeping ANYTHING from ever hitting the Senate floor, and thus he could “wait until the Senate did it’s job and passed a bill”, is now faced with the reality that a bill will hit the floor and lord of all lords, will probably pass.

That leaves Johnny with the sticky wicket as it were. For seriously his idiot Tea Potters are so used to that Glock stuck up their behinds that they dare not breathe compromise or Wayne La PeePee Pierre will pull the trigger blowing their shit to kingdom come.

And folks it gets sweeter than this.

The Senate is probably also poised to pass an immigration bill as well. It too will be crummy, but not quite as crummy as nothing.

And John is sweatin’ that one too, for if anything gets his Tea Potters more upset than having a loaded Glock go off in their booties, it’s the thought of tens of thousands of those confounded “brownies” getting citizenship in their respective states, thumbing their noses at their newly blown off white asses, and running against them and getting the Latino vote and redecorating their TeaPotter offices in Turquoise and desert red.

So, John, is swooning with pique.

John is asking why he ever wanted this damn job in the first place.

John is wondering whether a nice cushy job with one of his long time corporate supports wouldn’t make more sense.

John is polishing his passport and scouring the globe for a non-tea country to settle down in.

Related articles

• Boehner Bypasses Hastert Rule Again (politicalwire.com)
• The fate of the ‘Hastert Rule’ (maddowblog.msnbc.com)
• Boehner Pledges to Stick to Hastert Rule (politicalwire.com)
• VAWA Passes, the Hastert Rule Takes a Tumble (motherjones.com)