Help Baby Jesus

time-2.pngYou may or may not know, so let me echo the announcement this morning.

Time has designated Barack H. Obama as their “Person of the Year”. . . . again.

He is one of the few who have been named twice.

I can only imagine the gnashing of teeth, the beating of dogs, the broken furniture, and the howling at the moon that is going across America among the insane Right. The great enemy of mankind, the anti-Christ, the destroyer of America has yet again duped the world. Not only did he manage to pull off an extraordinary re-election coup by fraud and deceit, but the editors of Time bought it!

With the tragedy at Newtown, no doubt he will soon remove the 2nd Amendment  from the Constitution, erasing it from the very parchment. He has done this with his dictatorial secret powers, and all will soon be lost, as America becomes the cornerstone alone with the EU of the new WORLD ORDER.

If you hadn’t noticed, guns sales are skyrocketing as smart survivalists grab up the last of the high-power weaponry before it is banned. Ammo sales are following in lockstep, as the preppers spend their last thousands tricking out that arsenal that will be their salvation when  Armageddon descends upon the quaint towns and countryside of the beloved Republic. Camouflage is the new color of the season.

If it weren’t close to being absolutely accurate, I would laugh. But frankly it’s beginning to send a shiver down my spine. As the world continues to fail to see the obvious danger and insanity of the Black Guy in the White House, the fringe element becomes more frantic in its claims and assurance that the vast majority of citizens are unable to comprehend what to them is blatantly obvious. And they are going to have to save us from ourselves.

That is the part that scares me. If they would all just go hunker down in the wilds of Wyoming or North Dakota, I guess I would be fine. But they lurk in the most normal places. I don’t mind at all those folks who go “off the grid” and live primitively in the outback of Alaska. That is fine with me. They do no harm there except to the critters they kill to eat. It is sad that they inculcate this madness into their kids, some of which will carry on the tradition. But it is no worse than those crazies from the Westboro Baptist Church and what they are teaching their kids.

Funny isn’t it, or sad, really. We would be aghast at the suggestion that there should be any rules of the road when it comes to birthing children and raising them any old way, save outright physical torture. We would not even let the idea cross our minds let alone be the topic of conversation. We freely allow people to raise their children with boatloads of hatred and revulsion at all sorts of people, places and things. In doing so, we perpetuate for another generation a fringe element of insanely crazy ideologically driven nuts.

And so the world turns.

If our children are so damn precious, and I believe they are, don’t they deserve to be raised by competent people? I don’t mean the average dsyfunctionality that perhaps most of us live with. I’m talking about parents who are so twisted that they preach hate, teach fear, and prepare their children for a future that has statistically zero chance of happening.

But of course, the devil is in the details. I recognize without even spending three seconds, that HOW you would devise such a standard and enforce it would be impossible. If we can’t figure out the budget or gun laws, what chance would we have here?

None.

And frankly, I’m pretty sure we should not.

The chances of it being administered by the “wrong” people are gigantic. It would always be the wrong people by someone’s estimation. It’s a bit like the filibuster rule. Change it and we can get some things done finally, but whoa, what happens when THEY have the majority? Yeah, therein lies the rub as the Bard would say.

But when I read that the Loonie Right is blaming gun-control advocates for the Newtown slaughter, because we have made schools “gun-free zones” and bright lights like Gohmert and McDonald and Perry ponder whether we should “arm our teachers”, well, I have pause to consider why we don’t have SOME standards of fitness to be a parent.

I mean, I can’t even adopt a dog without filling out an application, asking me a few psychologically directed questions.

Ya know what I mean?

Knee-Jerked into the Mouth

 

 

Oh Sigh.

There is a lot to be said for the argument that the Religiosity Righties don’t really care that much about life. One is forced to conclude that they really don’t. They say they do of course, because it is an issue they think they can stick it to liberals with.

So they crusade. They speak for the unborn, the “might be’s” of America and arguably the world, though I’m not sure how excited they get about Arab abortion (not that it is likely high of course). They, pushed to their logical noose, now mostly claim that there are no exceptions, except maybe, for a few, the “life the of mother”. The devil of course would be in the details as to what constituted an appropriate “life of the mother” episode. One doctor? Two? A panel? A court hearing? Who knows.

Those of us on the side of choice, do so for many reasons, not the least of which is that with better health care for women, and better contraceptive care, more effective and available alternatives, the need for the abortion alternative can be effectively reduced. Who wouldn’t want that?

One would assume no one, but that is not the case. These people who trip over themselves to out Jesus each other, place no truck in Jesus’ statement, “those who are not against us, are for us.”

The Right has demonized the left to a degree that it is anathema to work with them on anything, even on things that they would mutually agree with.

Ignore they will,  the polls that for years tell them that the bible belt contains the largest portion of unwanted, single mother pregnancies. The same polls suggest that these bible belt southern regions produce the most unwed teen girls. States that insist upon “abstinence only” as their basic “sex education” have the highest levels of pre-marital sex and pregnancy. They also have the most divorces but that is a whole ‘nother issue.

The politicians who have tied their wagon to the hue and cry Christianist*  movement are worse still. Many of them don’t give a tinker’s damn about the issue at all, it simply suits their election demographics. And when you marry fervent emotional morality issues with tickets to election bliss, you get insane legislation that on the surface attains the desired goal, but in reality just makes a mockery of the entire thing.

Case in point.

Texas.

Now, based on the law of gravity, stupid, undisturbed, sinks, so it stands to reason that more stupid people live in the south than in the north. I say that of course maintaining that my town is a grave exception to the rule, being inhabited both by myself and the Contrarian, but seemingly other bright, good folks. (I’d also exception out any number of blogging friends too of course, since they are often times brilliant!)

I digress.

Back to Texas.

Texas is un-blessed with one of the more stupid of governors. You need not take my word for it. Remember the Republican debates? Enough said.

Well, in the name of stopping that filthy abortion, Dumb Butt Perry stopped funding state clinics that he deemed too tied to those bad abortion practices. By doing so, he automatically made his state ineligible for federal funds, denoted as “Women’s Health Care” funding.

Following the SG (stupid governor), the state legislature then cut off all funds in public health clinics for “family planning” –you know, like contraceptive care.

As a result according to a New England Journal of Medicine study, poor women are unable to secure the better forms of contraception, having to rely on older less effective methods. Do they realize what that means?

Okay, let’s make it easy:

  1. A desire to screw Planned Parenthood and get in good with the crazy right voter, leads to lower funding for all women’s health care clinics.
  2. Less funding means clinics can’t provide free of charge the best forms of contraception.
  3. Poorer forms of contraception lead to more pregnancies.
  4. More pregnancies mean are unwanted.
  5. More unwanted pregnancies lead to—–wait for it—-HIGHER FREAKIN’ DAMN ABORTIONS YOU MORONS!

Okay, this leads me to request that forthwith, the public demand of anyone running for office that they prove they can READ and WRITE, and can ADD and SUBTRACT, and can correctly identify simply SYLLOGISMS–you know if A and B, then C you freaking stupid dork NOT F.

This shit makes me see purple. It’s so idiotic. It’s beyond idiotic. It’s unworthy of a cadre of chimpanzees to come up with.  I pod of whales could do better. Hell my dog could reach a better result just by sniffing a few butts.

Women are people! They are not your special plaything to experiment on while you test out what gets you elected the fastest. And to those who claim this is a religious moral issue? You can’t define moral issue. You define immorality. Now go play with some snakes and talk some tongues, while the rest of us get on with developing a community of care for the citizenry of this country.

Really, I mean it.

Go sit down.

Really.

** Christianist is a term that I define as those on the fringes of the religious right who have used the Gospels to perpetuate their own aspirations for power, control and oppression. (This is Andrew Sullivan’s definition)

 

Existential Mindtwisting

You can drive yourself quite silly if you spend much time wondering how something came from nothing, and what came before the “big bang” and how where some atomic particles are concerned at least, they can be in more than one place at the same time, and that the very act of observing alters reality.

And then there is always tsunamis, tornadoes and hurricanes to worry about.

To say nothing of whether it’s safe to drink the milk when it’s a day past its expiration date.  That last one bothers the Contrarian to no end.

Anyway, I’m really glad it ain’t my job to think about that stuff. It is one of the main reasons I didn’t mark an X next to particle physicist on the “what I want to be when I grow up” form that I filled out in kindergarten, or maybe first grade.

That and the fact that they pretty much track you away from physics as a major if you think that Alice and Wonderland was silly fantasy claptrap and not worthy of the human mind. (Which is not to say that I didn’t enjoy the movie–the one with Johnny Depp, for who in their right-thinking female mind would NOT like anything starring the most gorgeous, adept, magnificent, actor in the entire universe, which is saying a lot given that I have familiarity with only one stinkin’ planet in the entire universe which must contain billions and billions as Carl Sagan used to say.)

Which is all a very long way around to saying that you might like to take a look at this book if you do like to waste lazy Sunday afternoons in a hammock thinking about these types of things. It is written by a guy named Jim Holt, and is called “Why Does the World Exist?” You can read a nice review about it here.

Frankly I think that it exists because Satan knew we would have to think about it, and that would drive us crazy, and thus provide the “in” he needs to work his evil machinations. Or on the other hand, it might be because there had to be a good place to put fruit cakes that the other universes banned as uneatable. One or the other, I am sure.

(I can hear the applause from here–connecting Johnny Depp and fruitcake is a difficult task to be sure. There must be a Pulitzer out there with my name on it.)

¤

I’m not sure any human being has spent as much time reproving again and again that he is a horse’s ass than the ubiquitous Texas Governor, Rick Perry. Think about it. Can you come up with a better candidate for permanent court jester?

Mr. I-can-only-think-of-two Perry, assures America that he will have no truck with that socialistic Affordable HCA, no matter what the Supremes have to say. Dumbo says he ain’t gonna set up no exchanges, which is odd, given the fact that the Federal Government will then set them up for him. Hardly the hands-off my medicare approach that one would think he would favor. But having only left-over oatmeal in the brain-case does apparently lend to such anomalies.

¤

I know I heard this in passing. I was passing through one room and into another, gathering all the belongings–all the important ones that is. It’s called a bug-out bag, and smart folks who know that disaster is just around every corner, always have one. And to listen to Rinsed Penis surely you must know that that disaster is set for the day after election day this November such (horrors), President Obama be re-elected.

The man claims that our very nation is at stake.We must elect Willard to “save America” to preserve “our way of life.” Read all kinds of white racist crap into that of course.

I think Rinsed has swapped some DNA with Michele Bachmann. Makes ya shiver.

¤

Okay, I’m all for adding a new sub-unit of humanity–men or women who don’t claim they are transgender, but exhibit a hatred of their own sex that is damaging to the sex. I wish to call them butt-faced Pygmalions infused with cactus-juice blood, my term. Feel free to call them what you like, as long as you keep a long stick handy.

A “woman” called Janis Lane is head of the Central Mississippi Tea Party. Not the entire Mississippi Tea Party mind you, but only the central part. She’s a really important person. Well here is here take on women–herself:

Lane: Our country might have been better off if it was still just men voting. There is nothing worse than a bunch of mean, hateful women. They are diabolical in how than can skewer a person. I do not see that in men. The whole time I worked, I’d much rather have a male boss than a female boss. Double-minded, you never can trust them.

Because women have the right to vote, I am active, because I want to make sure there is some sanity for women in the political world. It is up to the Christian rednecks and patriots to stand up for our country.

Now, given her “Christian” feelings, mightn’t her HUsssband, step in and shut this thing up and get her back to cookin’ his breakfast? Just a thought.

¤

Have a wild one. Adios

Put Your Right Foot, Take Your Right Foot Out. . .

NOT ROMNEY

Well, our evangelical leaders are gathered in the great Lone Star (Lone Brain Cell) state of Texas to discuss the impending GOP nomination.

It’s not that they don’t like Romney, they just don’t like Romney, in that fuzzy way you like someone.  They didn’t like McCain either, and look what happened there.

So they are gonna put their collective brain atoms (totally about 13) together and see if they can find their way out of this quandary. And it is one for sure, since all of the NOT ROMNEY’ers have proven themselves to be NOT POSSIBLE in one way or another.

Ricky P is just too damn dumb and no amount of ed-jew-ka-sun is gonna make a difference.

Ricky S has that google problem. Can’t allow them foreign digNAtaries to be laughing at our prez.

Newty is a grifter and will always sell out to the highest bidder.

Jon H? Why he’s a Democrat in Brooks’ Brothers.

Hmmm, what to do, what to do.

I could tell ‘em. I surely could. But that would be impolite. Seriously.

Newt is all up in Romney’s face these days.

He is finding it a bit hard to figure out just what side of this Bain business he should be on.

He’s quite used to saying today, the opposite of what he said yesterday.

He has that part down pat.

He’s just not sure what will play.

He’d like to fire people, if only he was rich enough. But he’s not.

He might be if he gets to be president. Will you help?

I have to confess.

When I see Ron Paul and his son Rand together, I can’t help but think that I’m witnessing evolution in reverse.

The apple does fall far from the tree. The apples, however, are both rotten.

Is it possible for two types of schizophrenia to exist in the same family?

I feel sorry for Ru Paul. He must get confused with that family a lot.

When some GOP voter says “I’m still undecided,” my first question is:

“How long were you in a coma?” I assume they have been ill.

My second question is: “Have you graduated grade school?”

My third question is: “Do you know who you are?”

I wonder a lot who the Veep candidate will be. If it’s someone who will make the candidate look good, well, boy are we gonna have to dig far down in that barrel.

Where is a good Dan Quayle when you need one.

It’s enough to make the more ardent of Republicans not really “give a crap.”

I know, I know, that was a cheap shot.

Conservatives are humorless people I find.

They are constantly in the back room, erasing all the parts of the history books that don’t conform to their world view.

And underlying all the dirty parts of the bible.

And keeping a straight face when you shake your head no to climate change, evolution, and that Marcus Bachmann is straight.

And let’s face it, most comedians are liberal. The one’s who aren’t, well they aren’t funny. It’s especially hard to laugh at jokes that aren’t really funny. Ask Dubya, he’s had to do it to the face in the mirror for nigh on to 65 years, give or take.

John McCain announced that he’s finally solved the riddle of the Internet.

He’s going full steam, full-bore ahead.

His new website-blog is entitled: “I would have won, and Should have won, if I hadn’t let them talk me into picking that c**t as VEEP”.

Wife Cindy, was not amused. She felt somewhat better when she learned that this time, she was not the c**t he was talking about.

Meanwhile daughter Megan continues to embarrass herself as a R-E-POOR-TR. Can’t any of these people get real jobs any more?

Newt, on the other hand, knows it’s all about pacing yourself.

Being a good steward of the planet, he knows that cleaning his plate will lead to a cleaner America.

And so he does.

It don’t hurt to have a tape of “Girls Gone Wild” to go with the nachos either.

And a Bruski never hurt anyone.

Calista has helmet hair have you noticed? I mean real helmet hair. It sits on a table by itself, until she drops it on her head. Touch it, I dare ya. It won’t move.

Newt is already shopping around for a new model. The girls just can’t resist the Newster. For only a few hundred bucks a night, they assure him it’s true.

I  have too much time on my hands.

Entirely too much. So I better go.

See ya.

Who’s Your Daddy?

Not exactly.

But ain’t they just the cutest?

New World monkeys are not, evolutionarily speaking our “ancestors”. We are related (having a common ancestor) with apes, which are not the same as monkeys.

Still, this study of facial characteristics is (wait for it, one of my favorite go-to words)—FASCINATING.  It really is.

Scientists studied a whole range of features along with environments and lifestyles to determine what complexities of features has to do with social structure.

Initial results suggest that the larger the living group, the simpler the facial features. The plainer the features the easier it is to communicate via only facial expression.

Of course, humans are the epitome of that, having mostly hairless faces and ones devoid of differing coloration. A rich and varied set of features are apparently not needed for identification purposes.

However, when similar species live in close proximity, then features are more varied, helping to identify one’s own species from others to prevent cross-breeding.

Lesson: Beware of those bearded ones!

Aren’t you glad you stopped by now? Ya just never know what tickles my fancy do ya?

And what do beer drinkers and sports fanatics have in common with witches and occultists you ask?

 It appears they are in dire straits if they do not change their ways.

So says some silly Right-Wingish doophus church.

I’m wondering if this should give Tim Tebow pause.

After all, Tim would tell us that God is quite the ummm, er, sports fanatic?

No, could that be?

No.

What I wonder are “fake Christians”. I guess we all have our theory about that don’t we?

I guess the only people who could define what “bodies dressed to attract lust” would be that “eyes that seek to lust.” Seems like this can be problematical. Thanks to Joe.My.God for the h/t.

If I’m not mistaken, Republicans like to tell us Democrats that it is they who understand business and money. They are usually trying to elbow us aside, and “take the reins” as it were. They smile condescendingly upon our poor efforts at “running economies” since it is something born in the very sinews of their bodies. They are naturals at it.

Yes. Then please explain to my poor little lacking brain how this works?

Economic genius, Madam Governor, Jan Brewer decided that in order to make a few bucks in her cash-strapped state (due in part no doubt to all the business lost by her draconian immigration policies), she would sell off public buildings and then lease them back. She did that in 2012, and got 81 million. But now she is buying them back. And it’s only costing her 105 million. She explains that if she had paid all the leasing costs for 20 years, it would have “cost a lot more.

So there, GOP economics in a nutshell. That’s how you enable the job creators!

And that is your lesson #3 from Econ for Democratic Dummies, available at a Republican shyster bookstore near you. Thanks to Juanita Jean’s for this one.

I could not believe my ears. I really couldn’t. I mean isn’t there a self-preservation bone in everyone’s body somewhere?

Mittens was interviewed by Matt Lauer. He was asked about his campaign victory speech in New Hampshire. The “envy” one.

He was given a chance to explain that he didn’t mean it as it sounded.

Except he didn’t. He embraced it.

He said that all the griping about the rich is nothing but envy. Yep, we are just envious of the rich, and so we want to take away their money.

Mittens is just making this too easy for Obama.

And, Mittens is making it perfectly clear that there is something about him that is not quite right. He tends to let truth slip out when he goes unscripted, and his truth is not pretty.

Newt has gone rogue. We knew he would.

All the ultra-crazies are now telling Newt to back off, he’s doing the Dem’s job. And he is.

And the more they pile on, the more petulant he will become, and the more he will slash and burn.

We knew ya would dear Newty, we knew ya would.

 Is it just me, or does Ricky P sound like a 6th grader, and a not very bright one at that, every time he opens his mouth now? He simply mumbles some inanities, having little to do with anything rational.

Like Mittens, he is prone to look around after making any pronouncement, for acknowledgement that he has said “the right thing.” Did I say it right? Did ya like it? Shall I wiggle my butt? I can tap dance if you would prefer? Will you vote for me? Please? Oh pretty please?

It’s just too sad.

I’m afraid by the time this little campaign of his is over, he will need help finding his way home. He just looks lost most of the time.

I am outraged at the UTube video of US Marines urinating on dead Afghans.

I am outraged.

I am outraged.

It makes me weep with shame.

Hey. We got some snow.

Not much. A couple of inches.

Temps are moving up in a couple of days, so it will mostly melt I suspect.

No global warming here.

Move on.

Can These Folks Be Allowed to Vote?

Much has been said lately about the efforts of GOP’ers around the country to limit the vote.

Efforts have been under way, and in many places successful in putting up road blocks for those wishing to exercise their right to cast a ballot.

All such efforts have occurred in states that have Republican majorities in their state congresses.

Most have resulted in various forms of Voter ID requirements that are particularly onerous on students, the elderly and minority populations. In some cases a permit to carry a gun is proof enough, while a college ID is not.

This is all in the name of preventing “voter fraud.” This is the argument even though there was something like like less than 400 cases of voter fraud NATION WIDE in the last election, and studies going back into the late 80′s, proved no worse.

Meanwhile, it is estimated that as many as 5 million potential voters could be denied their right to vote by these voter restriction laws.

So it’s a real issue.

Some colleges are re-issuing college IDs to  meet the very specific requirements of laws designed to make their IDs invalid.

Lots of volunteers are massing to help the elderly locate birth certificate alternatives where none were issued when they were born.

It should be noted that there are dozens of anecdotal cases in which people have voted for over 50 years and are well-known in their small towns, yet they will be turned away without “proper ID.” Sometimes people are donating money to pay the legal fees to help these folks get the proper papers.

A lot of lawyers will make a lot of money in order to work all this out.

And it does seem odd that a party would be so intent on trying to deprive so many people of their right to vote.

I mean the party of “the constitution” should be, you would think, the party that defends the right to vote to the death, wouldn’t you think?

When there are only a very very few folks who attempt to vote illegally, and they certainly don’t effect any results, one would think that it would behoove the GOP to vociferously stand on the right to vote against all challenges.

Now, alternatively.

One could make a very good case.

That people, over the age of 15, who are not being paid, and are not compelled, and are not entering a contest for money–who dress like his because they want to, might be of questionable ability to cast a knowing, intelligent vote.

People like this decide to spend money to buy costumes and materiél and dress up in their HOMES, and then go out IN THE STREETS dressed like their favorite hero, or to express their solidarity? with some sports team.

They drive in CARS along FREEWAYS, scaring the bejesus out of normal law-abiding citizens.

They teach your children, and handle your money and do your taxes and other things that we value.

I ask you, if you saw one of these walking insane asylums dressed up in their finery, would you leave your children with them? Give them your cash for safekeeping? Trust them to fix the faucet? Of course not.

And I would argue, they should be prohibited from voting.

Why are the Republicans not fighting to prevent these questionable brain-limited, only partly human beings from voting? Huh?

Oh, I see. Because they are Republicans.

My bad.

Things are so bad for Rick Perry these days, that he can gaffe away, and nobody bothers to mention it. He’s having a free gaffe holiday.

Just say Solynda instead of Soyndra and call it a country. **pat on the head** little Ricky.

Michele Bachmann has taken as of late to touting her bona fides on Israel by telling us that she volunteered at a kibbutz in her young adulthood. Does the bubble-hair know that kibbutz’s were experiments in “collectivism” *GASP* not capitalism?

Meanwhile Newt continued his ugly rhetoric that Palestinians are not a real “people” but “invented” and just “terrorists”. Frankly I thought Mittens had the better argument (freak out I’m agreeing with Mittens now!). Newt is just pandering for Jewish votes of course. His claim that Palestinian children are being taught to hate Israelis in school, is patently false, but hey, when you are making things up for effect, who cares? Certainly not the TeaNutz®, for whom this stuff is just red meat.

Ya have to laugh. As you might suspect, The Blaze does little if any original investigation or reporting. Mostly they reprint others work. Shockingly, they reported a AP item which investigated the claims made by various of the GOP candidates in the last debate, and offered the truth of the various statements and allegations. For instance it found that Michele Bachmann’s claim that Newt was for cap-and-trade, to be true, even though Newt denied it. Similarly it found Mitt’s claim that Obama was the first President to cut Medicare to be false, finding that both Bush and Clinton had also done so.

But Blazey nincompoops can’t stomach that. So they attacked the AP as being. . . .you guessed it. . . . a liberal machine. And various other excuses that it doesn’t matter, because the devil must be defeated.

Sleep well my friends. The sky intends to stay up for at least another day.

Hair is So 20th Century

Once upon a time, a full head of luxurious hair was considered de rigueur in social circles. Men grew it long, flowing, and especially if you were a member of a rock band, you found many chances to shake it and snap it back and forth. Women ate it up, almost literally.

Not so any more. Sad to say.

Hair has become an impediment, something that is used to mask all sorts of inadequacies.

Anthropologists at Yale, studying the phenomenon, are split frankly as to whether or not this downward trend in men’s hair started with The Donald. Proponents point to the fact that his “do” is the product of a nightmarish combination of Jackson Pollack’s and Salvador Dali’s artistic endeavors, that has resulted in a “cap of swirl” that frankly gives rise to dyspepsia in most observers.

Opposition scholars point out that no one actually knows what part if any of the “squirrel cap” is actually real. After all, it may all be smoke and mirrors and creative combing of as little as 10 actual strands, they suggest. In which case, it doesn’t qualify as a “full head” under anyone’s definition.

One has only to look at the current political landscape to discover however, that hair is taking a beating. Mittens Romney is possessor of hair perfection as many would note. That family-inherited “graying from the roots that never grows out to the ends is simply fascinating to hair aficionados. How can hair grow that way, they ponder? I mean how does the hair follicle produce a hair that is dark on the one end and then runs out of color at the root? Or is the Mittens simply engaging in some extreme form of “frosting”?

Rick Perry has long been known in Texas as holder of “the hair”. It is a more natural looking color than Mittens goes for, and has that rugged, just short of unkept look, that Texans favor. Perry is a man who can wear a good Stetson without getting the hat “ring” when he removes it. It’s a magical trick that only a true Texan can pull off. Moreover it resembles that cross between the “just before 60′s look, combined with the 80′s MBA look.” So totally appropriate for that up-and-coming junior exec.

Both of these poor guys are falling badly out of favor these days. Perry learned that “the hair” could not overcome general stupidity and foot-down-throat disease. Mittens sadly realizes now that that “The Capstone” has lost its intrigue and can’t over come his bland personality and which-way-is-the-wind-blowing principles.

Anthropologists were unsure what all this meant until yesterday, when matters came to a head. The king of all kings, lord of all lords, hairs of all hairs—-Blagoman himself crashed and burned.

From newsarteest.blogspot.com

The  Hair Man himself has been sent off to the Big House for fourteen hair-growing years.

 
It is not clear yet whether Rob will be forced to shear his locks upon entry. Perhaps that will be a decision he and his new bunky will decide together.

In any case, never has good hair fallen so far.

Department Chief, Alex Puddletrude, reports that Blagojevich’s dramatic plunge into the hard scrabble of prison life, was the final piece in the puzzling puzzle.

“Surely this means that hair is no longer considered an asset,” he warbled, all the while running his hand over his slick dome.

“Nope, hair doesn’t carry weight any more.”

When asked how to explain the recent surge of Newtie Patootie, who undeniably has a full shock of hairs, Professor Puddletrude shrugged.

“We’re continuing to look into the matter, but our initial belief is that watching somebody who has that much hot air, and whose head is expanding at a rate far exceeding what my colleagues in the Astronomy Department say the universe is growing, is just so enthralling, that people can’t stop watching.

When asked to explain more fully, Puddletrude turned the mike over to  Astronomy Cosmologist, Aaron Smicklepike, who went on.

“We believe that the phenomenon of Newtie has nothing to do with his hair but rather with the shock that one man can express this much chutzpah and self-aggrandizement.” He continued. “People are simply dumb-struck that megalomania can occur at this level within only one man. My colleagues in the School of Medicine AND in the Department of Psychiatry, are busy re-examining all known parameters along these lines. Newt has shot up to join such other “full of themselves” creatures as Hitler, Napoleon, Ivan the Terrible, and Caligula in a shorter time than any of them. They are setting up testing procedures now, in hopes of explaining this development.”

He then added. “We are sure it has nothing to do with the hair. You can note the important differences from the start: It’s GREY, and that may be an important key. In any event we are sure, that once the public has gotten over its shock, dismay will cause everyone to turn away in disgust. In fact, recent polling suggests that what is starting to be “IN” this year, is a short, fairly dark, strand with a certain kink to it. It seems to be increasingly popular these days.”

News Flash: Are Boobs next?