Category Archives: States on Parade

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What In Holy Mother Church is Going on in Missouri?

Yes, it’s time to talk about a state. This one has been put off far too long, but in actuality, who would have supposed that anybody would NOMINATE a Todd Akin, all around woman protector and expert on lady parts? But I get ahead of myself.

Show ME! the state screams. I’m not sure if that is a sexual invitation or a lament that citizens there aren’t very analytical. Either way, it tends to make you talk slower to be understood when engaged with a Missourian.

My only experience with the state personally is clipping the northwest section on the way to Kansas. I must say, they must get kickbacks from the billboard sign people, since the state seems plastered with those hideous hiders of the natural fauna. But then again, there might be much to cover up; it’s impossible to say.

Missouri used to belong to the French, and that alone should make one suspicious. Everyone knows the French can’t be trusted except when it comes to wine, and I saw little evidence that the population of Missouri knows its Merlot from its Cabernet, let alone something highly volatile, such as a Beaujolais.

Missouri is one of those “middle” states, having little identity and was the starting point for those heading West. One can surmise that the present population are mostly descendents of those who were too pooped to go on West by the time they got there from the East. Or they were too cowardly to face any more riding in those miserable “prairie schooners.”

It borders eight states, which has got to be a record I guess. Nobody wanted, it seems to share much of a border with it. There are those who considered it a “southern” state, showing that these folks are a bit directionally deficient as well.

If you are looking for good weather, go elsewhere. The winters are cold, the summers hot and humid. Expect extremes. Tornadoes are common as well as thunderstorms. Paradise it ain’t. In fact, Adam originally took a quick fly by and told God that he would rather be on a wholly different continent rather than settle there. Which was really good since Joseph Smith wouldn’t have had such a major revelation, and Mormonism probably wouldn’t have been invented and we wouldn’t have Mitt Romney to kick around.

As with all the US, Missouri is named for the indigenous Native Americans who lived there first. They liked it well enough, but the height of their civilization had waned before the Europeans “discovered” it. The major city of St. Louis was founded by folks from New Orleans and soon thereafter, it was a major fur-trading center.

The residents compromised themselves into being a slave state, of which no one can be proud in 1821. The population was not very large frankly, mostly due to darn earthquakes that kept going off, and people took off for solid ground. Bits and pieces were added to the state by groups holding garage sales, pushing off their old used up land to the unsuspecting Missourians. Then the Mormons  got interested and started moving in, which really brought down the neighborhood, and that stated a war, and well, you can imagine. Iowa went to war with Missouri also over some “honey” land, but you got me how they kept the bees hemmed in.

Catholics started moving in, and you know they always cause trouble. They were not in favor of the slave thing, but Missouri didn’t go with the South in the Civil War, although it became so confusing that it was really hard to tell with both sides claiming that the silly Missourians were on their side.

Today, it’s a really white state, though not as white as some.

If there is anything to visit there, I sure haven’t heard of it.

It’s schizophrenic enough to name a very large city after another state, which probably reflects some kind of penis envy of Kansas, I guess. See Freud for further details on that.

There is plenty of bus service across the state, and it is tailor-made for sleeping, and waking up when you reach some place else. But I must say, it’s smack dab in the middle of a lot of fairly boring states, so you might want to stay up for about three days before taking a bus trip say out west so you can sleep at least until you reach Colorado.

It boasts one former President, Harry S. Truman, and you can’t get more boring that that.

Missouri is a leading producer of alcohol, which probably explains a lot. Mostly people drink to forget they are in such a state. Not only do they produce alcohol and tobacco, but they  don’t regulate it, and you can’t fire anybody or refuse to hire them because of their unhealthy use of either. Needless to say, they rejected prohibition, mostly because everybody was too drunk to remember what day the vote was to be held.

You cannot legally become a dry county, and parents can serve alcohol to their kids. Open container imbibing is perfectly acceptable too. I mean these people are drunkards. St. Louis holds the dubious distinction of being the “best place for smokers” in America. Ain’t that grand? Parents are again free to give their wee ones all the tobacco they wish.

It has a capital, but  frankly I forgot its name.

Homeschooling is allowed and not regulated one bit, so those drunkards think that they have ejukated their kids, and nobody seems to be able to tell the difference anyway.

It has several universities and colleges, all full of students who received rejection letters from the schools they wanted to attend. As you might expect, drinking is popular on all campuses.

All in all, the roads are decent. Use them and keep on moving to some place that is interesting. This ain’t it.

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!What the BeJesus is Going on in. . . .MICHIGAN?

An election you dummy! Doncha watch the news?

The Willard and The Ragin’ Rickster are pitted in the col0sseum, trident versus sword and net, circling, muscles rippling, abs rock hard, sizing up, crowds hushed then roaring, calling for blood, craning necks to see the death-blow.

Okay, actually it’s two buffoons seeing which one can feed more red meat to the TeaMob®.

So, let’s look at the fair state of MICHIGAN, my place of birth, and one of two states shaped as a body part. Hint: Never trust a state shaped as a body part. The mitten will slap ya silly and the penis will leave you deeply unsatisfied.

Okay. Michigan is very Frenchie, which drives the Neo-Cons wild cuz they love to bash the French. Michigan is actually Mishigamaa the Ojibwa word for the land and it means, . . .”large water.” Which has nothing to do with peeing, I assure you.

It has over 64,000 lakes which makes it way more lakey than that land of 10,oo0 puny lakes. In fact, a Michigander (Goose land?) is never more than six nautical miles from dipping his toe into some body of water. Rubber boots are big as you might guess.

It is fairly weird in that it has two pieces to it, and they don’t touch, unless you count an artificial bridge,The Mackinac,  that connects them. The Upper, Yooper land, is really only Michigan’s by default. Wisconsin drew a line in the sand, and told everyone on the north side to stay on their own side, and Michigan, being a generous and compassionate state, took the waif Upper, and let it share the name. It’s true. I read it on a Burma Shave ad somewhere in El Paso.

The Mackinac is not Mack en Ac as you might suspect, but is actually Mack en awe. And you will be in awe crossing that bugger, which I have more times than I would like to remember. It’s freakin’ long, and scary and, yes one or two poor souls a year drive their vehicles clean off it and take an unexpected dive into lake Superior, which is a lake with attitude, as you can tell by the name.

Now before the French came, there were a whole lot of tribes who lived peaceably in the area, which they called the Confederation of Three Fires. Course, the French being the French, they changed all the names of everybody. For instance they changed the Wyandot to the Huron, you know, cause Y N DOT sounds a lot like Hurrrr ON. Anyway, the French got on good with the locals, and the Catholic missionaries were busy convertin’ away.

Finally they, the French that is, started organizing things in the South, which mainly consisted of puttin’ French names to everything, which remain to this day. Which is a whole ‘nother story about how good old “Mericans” can utterly rape the hell out of a language once they get ahold of it. Examples are Livernois which would be “Leveer-nuaw” but is called today Liver-noise”, and “Beau-bi-ah” which is today called “Bo-be-an”.

Well, if you recall there used to be a lot of wars back then, and the French lost one, and Michigan became English. So Michigan, land of forests and Native Americans (who hadn’t yet been told they were Native Americans), went from being French snooty to English snooty. After the Revolutionary War, Michigan, no doubt because of all that snootiness up their noses, couldn’t see where the boundary lines were, and considered themselves part of Canada. This was not all sorted out until 1847, which tells you that, well the folks there are a bit directionally impaired.

Not a lot of people lived there until the Erie Canal opened up and people flocked in to take the great water slide run all the way down the St. Lawrence.

The state is insufferably connected to the Republican party, and would be a big fat Red were it not for the auto industry and unions. Unions = Democrats in case you don’t know. All Michigan school children learn this from the first grade onward. Dick and Jane’s parents were members of the UAW. Spot was an Independent.

While there are lots of universities and colleges, there are only two U of M and the real great one MSU. I went to one of them, but I’m very neutral on which one is best.

Course Michigan is known for cars. Lots of cars. All kinds of cars. Fords, Buicks, Oldsmobiles, Chryslers. Henry Ford developed the “moving assembly line” and created the new mental illness “bored to death” along with it. Ford paid his workers more money than any workers before them, but not because he was kind, he just wanted them to buy his cars.

Tons of people flocked into Michigan to become bored to death in the factories, tightening a bolt all day. This caused some African-Americans to start singing the blues, which became a place called Motown. You can still see the house up on Grand Avenue, which is NOT Grand at all by most standards. You can go in and see the microphone used by Smokey Robinson and The Supremes if you want.

Grand Rapids has long claimed to be the furniture manufacturing hub of the world. No one has ever been bored enough to drive that far to find out if it’s true.

Mildew is the leading cause of death, as you might expect.

In 1846, Michigan became the first state in the Union to abolish the death penalty. I wrote a hundred page paper on that for law school which has never been published, but I will give a private reading if requested.

A whole lot of other things could be said, but hey, they aren’t very interesting to me. It’s too cold in winter, too muggy in the summer, too buggy, and too cloudy.

Oh, and by the way. They never pick the candidate who wins anything nationally. So don’t worry your head whether The Willard or The Ragin’ Rickter wins in Michigan. They chose George Wallace and Jesse Jackson in primaries too.  

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What in the World is Going on in South Dakota?

Right away, you know you are in trouble when the state you are looking at has a direction in the name. Worse, it also means that it has few creative minds, since it was too lazy to make up its own name but took the easy way out, being a north or a south of somebody else. Being the south of somebody else’s state is dumber than being the north, because if one is north, it goes without saying that anything south is south, so it’s kinda superfluous.

But I’m not giving much credit to North Dakota here either. They obviously came upon this solution together, since both were admitted into the union on the same day.

Okay, now where did the name Dakota come from? As is so usual in the USA, we believe in murdering native indigenous peoples, but we do like their names. Dakota is named after the Lakota Sioux and the “Dakota” Sioux, although you never hear of them, and it’s more likely that the fine folks of the region are just hard of hearing and heard Lakota as Dakota. Otherwise, it should be LADAkota or something like that.

It is a most confused state in other respects. It is considered part of the Midwest, but also the Great Plains, as opposed to the no-so-great Plains. In every respect it claims to have more in common with the West, so these folks aren’t good at directions, and get lost a lot. Given that there aren’t a lot of people who choose to live there (I wonder why?) getting lost can mean days of meandering around looking for another human being, one that more than likely will have no better clue as to where you are than you had.

Not content with being a South, it subdivides itself into  western and eastern areas, as well as the area known as the Black Hills, which is mostly there for tourists. If you should decide to visit there, (surely you would have no other reason), head for the southwest corner where all the good stuff is.

They tell you it’s a pleasant place to live, having four seasons, like this is something to be sought after. That is just code for “it’s too damn cold” most of the time. I counted at best about four good months out of the year, and that means a whole lot of cabin fever, and as I said, it ain’t like you get many neighbors.

The whole state was part originally of the landmass known as the Louisiana Purchase, the large tract of land that Jefferson got from Napoleon for a song. Napoleon never saw South Dakota, making that decision as soon as he discovered that it was as cold as Moscow in the winter, and his tootsies might frostbite on the march south.

Most if not all of the wretched place might have been left to the Lakota who for some reason really liked the place. But then, GOLD was discovered, and the natives had to go. White folks are enamoured of that stuff, and in short order wars began and lots of killing took place. The gold was discovered by Custer (yes THAT one) who was nosing around in the Black Hills which didn’t belong to him.

Less than a million people have failed to find a good home, and call this state theirs. Most people are “white” which ought to tell you something about who has common sense in this country. Most of these are Germans, and I’m not sure what that means. Native Peoples remain loyal to their sacred grounds although they live in some of the worst poverty of the entire country, and frankly there is nothing funny about that at all.

On the up side, there are no state income taxes. This is seen as a last-ditch effort to keep people from going elsewhere. New residents are given a goody bag with a state flag, a bag of peanuts, a statuette of Mount Rushmore, and two coupons for a dollar off at the Bob Evans fancy restaurant in Pierre the capital.

Usually, the state is run by Republicans. This stands to reason since dreary people are always Republican. It sends one representative to the Federal House of Representatives.

The lottery is big business there since everyone is trying desperately to hit it big and get the hell out of there. There are public libraries in all cities with populations greater than 5,000 and they have amassed a circulating inventory of now 56 books statewide.

The North American Continental pole of inaccessibility is located between Allen and Kyle, and not a single person knows what that means, but it’s extra credit on history tests across the state, and those who correctly relate it also get a free coupon worth a dollar off at Bob Evans fancy restaurant in Pierre.

Several artists come from South Dakota, but I never heard of any of them. Laura Ingalls wrote those prairie books and served as the subject of the great television hit, Little House on the Prairie where little Joe Cartwright got married and had kids. Ben never visited because he went off to be the Commander on Battlestar Galactica. Just a bit of history for ya.

Rapid City is a place to be avoided at all costs. Something very witchy is going on there. If you look, the temperatures in Rapid City are always way out of kilter given its northern location. I notice that because South Dakota appears on regional weather maps that include Iowa. It’s really creepy how it can be 40° warmer there than points five hundred miles south of them. Satan may well call Rapid City a way station on the way to H E L L. Not sure, but be wary.

Television is severely prescribed in the state. Many shows are banned because they show South Dakotans just how really really lousy is their life compared to the rest of the country. Attempts have been made to set up roadblocks on all highways leading out of the state with signs like “bridge washed out” “railroad derailment ahead” and “endless buffalo herd crossing” but savvy residents start to get a clue after about fifteen years, and wagon trains can be seen crossing the prairie into bordering states. Most states have set up inoculation, fumigation and health exams in tent cities with refresher courses in readin’, writin, and rithmatic to wannabe immigrants. All are required to wear a SDI badge (South Dakota Immigrant) and not drive for two years, or until they can pass a driver’s license test.

It goes without saying that there are no professional sports teams in the state. They still allow hunting and fishing but there is a move on to curtail such recreations to tourists, since the South Dakotans tend to shoot each other and embed fish hooks in themselves with too much regularity.

Live there? You must be kidding.

Visit? Yes for the pure enjoyment of watching people who are almost all dumber than you are, and the Black Hills are pretty.

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What in the World is Going On in Maryland?

One look at the map and you know we are in big trouble here. I mean did they hire someone in the thralls of a high state of the palsy to draw the boundary lines? You note immediately that Pennsylvania and Delaware both drew strict straight lines, separating themselves from this madness.

Virgina and West Virginia for reasons best left unsaid at this point, were too lazy to demand some cleanliness of line, and allowed a river to dictate the state’s limitations. Babies!

So little self-respect has this silly looking state, that they carved out a section and gave it away to be the seat of the Federalies. The DC’ers as you note, did their best to have some straight lines, and straight thinking along three of their borders.

If you need further proof that this place is a little off in the head, take a look at this “state flag” and tell me, “what in the hell is that?”

Not only is it unintelligible, its butt ugly to boot.

One of its nicknames is the “Old line state.” I don’t even want to know what that means.

And then there is the manner of its naming. Maryland. One could just assume that these folks aren’t good spellers, and that in keeping with the frivolous boundary lines, it meant “Jolly times here land”, but frankly the truth is worse.

The state was founded by “Lord” Baltimore, a royal from the Irish House of Lords. The name was chosen to “honor” the name of Mary, Charles I, king of England’s wife. This of course may make some sense in those early days (1632), but the fact that it was not changed after the revolution, tells you just how lazy and/or suspicious these people really were and perhaps still are.

Calvert (the Lord’s real name) was a Catholic, so Catholics got all the high positions, but Charles the King of the realm, apparently as a joke, sent tons (tens of thousands)  of convicts to live there. So we know that today, many a person who is a long time resident of “mary”land is the spawn of nefarious types.

Actually the boundary with Pennsylvania was a long drawn out affair, the subject of wars, and ultimately decided as the “Mason-Dixon line“. Similar disputes arose with Delaware which was once part of Maryland, but wanted to get the heck out of such a silly state and finally did.

The whole Catholic thing didn’t last long. Puritans arrived and soon put a stop to all that nonsense. Puritans you remember came here for “religious tolerance” but mainly only their own. They were ferocious opponents of anyone who didn’t agree with their take on all things Christian, and well, you can imagine what they thought of Jews and  the poor Native Peoples.

Anyway the state moved merrily along up to the revolution, importing lots of indentured workers and slaves to do the dirty work, while the rich landowners sat on their verandas, sipping tea, and commenting on the plenitude of blue crabs that season.

For reasons no one knows, they joined the revolution. Fort McHenry, protecting Baltimore, during the War of 1812, served as the inspiration of The Star-Spangled Banner, that nearly impossible song for a normal person to sing on key.

Again for no discernible reason, Maryland freed most of its slaves and was on the right side of the Civil War, probably because Lincoln threatened to give back the District of Columbia if they didn’t and nobody had any use for all those buildings.

Still, loyalty was at a minimum, and nearly 25% of the state’s young men, joined the Confederate side. Lincoln suspended habeas corpus in the state and that really ticked off the Chief Judge, Roger Taney, who just happened to be a native of good old Maryland. Lincoln jailed the mayor of Baltimore and some others for their pro-southern  sympathies. We are told “these matters are still being legally debated.” No word whether the mayor is still locked up or not.

Rich people still abound in Maryland, making it the richest per capita state in the union with median income at nearly $70,000 a year.

They fish a lot there. And they move stuff around a lot by rail and ship. A ton of them go to DC to work every day.

It has the dubious distinction of having been the home of Spiro Agnew, but then we told you that there is a lot of criminality in the history of the state. That is most surely the Republicans; it has been a Democratic state since time immemorial and certainly none of them is a criminal. 

Animal wise, the do have the Chesapeake Bay Retriever, bred specially for water sports. That’s a good thing. A reptile that is prominent there is the terrapin which is a turtle. This, for some inexplicable reason was adopted as the mascot of the University of Maryland. Where most sports are about speed and agility, the school chooses to advertise that its sports teams are slow and clumsy. Go figure.

About the best that can be said is that a summer tour of the state boundary line would be a dizzying experience.  All in all, a state which still retains the name of a foreign queen and was populated overwhelmingly by dangerous criminals, is simply not to be trusted. Drive through it if you must, but keep your doors locked.  

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What is Going on with Utah? #4

You’d think that a state with as much scenery as Utah has, well, would have more sense. I mean look at all those carets all over that map? Those are mountains! The state is just chock full of ‘em. But I guess the beauty mesmerizes the citizenry and makes them, well lets just say odd.

It’s a straight-lined state, and straight-laced as well, being 60% Mormon. More about that later. This probably makes it the closest thing we have to a theocratic state.

Fully 80% of the population, such as it is, lives in and around Salt Lake City. Vast areas of the state of “uninhabited.” I suspect wildlife objects to this notation, since they are probably fairly happy inhabiting the human-less terrain.

Whenever I hear the name Utah, I always expect a question mark. Utah? No, but my neighbor does. Actually, as is so much of  the US of A, it’s named after the indigenous native population, the Utes. Several of the larger cities were named after fur trappers. Americans, and Utahns specifically, are not particularly creative when it comes to naming things. Thank goodness they were not around at the beginning of time, or cougars might have been called light-brown cat.

The Mormons, as you recalled originated with John Smith in Illinois. Not finding any neighborly love, Brigham Young led a large contingent westward,  and they ended up in Utah, which pretty much was bereft of white people. They did not, as with most white people, ask either the Mexican authorities (who owned the land at the time) or the native population for any permission to squat and take over the area.

Soon enough Utah came under the Compromise of 1850 and was a territory. Almost as soon, the Mormons ran into trouble over their male propensity to take on several wives. Men found this ever so much fun, women not so much, although something can be said for having the bed to oneself several nights a week.

There was an actual Utah War over the practice, which was seen as unseemly by the rest of the US, but mostly it was because men in the rest of the country couldn’t get it for themselves, and decided that Utah men  wasn’t going to have sexual bliss alone.

It was all quite nasty and there was a good deal of bloodshed. Brigham Young had his people fleeing hither and yon, and somehow during that period the first Transcontinental Telegraph was completed. Brigham Young sent the first message to Lincoln, which was, I am told, “Hey don’t knock what you haven’t tried. I hear Mary is no looker!”

The second transcontinental thing was the railroad, completed just north of the Great Salt Lake in 1869.  Most people, however, continued to “pass on through.”

There are lots of great parks, and skiing is very big. After all, the scenery is the thing. The terrain ranges from mountains to desert and the temperatures range from too damn cold to too damn hot.

Race: lily-white.

Birth rate: HIGH, any wonder? Oh, well, that polygamy thing is now illegal . . . but old habits die hard.

Tourism and mining are major economic industries.

They were the 45th state to gain admission to the US, but the second to give women the right to vote. This makes no sense as I see it, but it’s true nonetheless. The state’s constitution made polygamy illegal which was a pre-requisite to it’s gaining statehood.

No gambling is allowed, which is probably another reason why the birth rate is so high. Also liquor is strictly state controlled–a Mormon thing.

Utah is a fairly GOPer state, with the illustrious (not) Orin Hatch leading the way. The LDS maintains a “strict neutrality”. And if you buy that, you’ll be buying a lot of bull elsewhere too. HINT: one of their “apostles” is reputed to have said that it would be difficult to be a faithful Mormon and a liberal Democrat. Enough said.

Eighty-percent of the Legislature is Mormon, and there has been only two governors who were not members of the LDS.

Another oddity: the USS Utah was sunk at Pearl Harbor. No explanation as to why a landlocked state had a battleship named after it.

It also has its own dinosaur: utahraptor. Catchy name.

The state ranks first in the use of antidepressants and narcotic pain killers. The reasons are well, open to wide speculation. It ranks way down, 47th in teen pregnancies, out-of-wedlock births, and abortions in general. Sex is obviously a big topic of at least conversation if nothing else. The proof if this is in the fact that it ranks number UNO in the amount of PAID PORNOGRAPHY consumed.

All of that leads them to give to charity like crazy to make amends.

Jello is their official snack food. (this state is insufferably boring I fear)

It will go down, presumably as the first and only state to have an official firearm. Legislation has passed the senate naming the Browning gun (which type I care not) as the “State Gun.” How nice. This puts Utah in the running for “blithering idiot” of the week award.

It’s most famous state slogan is “The Greatest Snow on Earth.” That’s all I need to know I won’t go there.

So I give it a “go take a look” at all the mountains and such, but for goodness sakes, it’s no party to live there. Just say NO.

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What IS Going on in Florida?

Florida is a land of liars! There. Let’s not mince words here.

I mean, you only have to LOOK at the shape of it. Everybody knows it’s one big fat penis. Even has some little cahones just southeast of Panama City. (Boy were they lost! Panama is like a whole other COUNTRY!)

And then there is that spume of something or other (I’ll not use the word) spilling forth, ending in something called “Key West.”

So, this must be the sexy, harlot-seeking, revelry bending, sex-pot o’ the Americas right? WRONG. It’s the home of the largest population of flabby flaccids in the nation. It’s the king of NO ERECTION here. Everybody’s old uncle Al and Grampa Bill retires to Florida.  You could carpet the entire state with all the polyester draping these wrinkly old bodies! That and gaudy jewelry, red, red lipstick and hot pink toenail polish worn by blue-haired mammas strutting their stuff as they push their walkers down the board walks of Sarasota and West Palm Beach.

And then, get this, they invite Disney to build a theme park there to attract children and their parents! Now this is an explosive situation. Older-than-sin elderly, all gripping with a death hold their driver’s licenses, meeting head on (and I do mean that literally) with busy, we-only-got-three-days-to-see-it-all parents with three screaming under-the-age-of-ten monsters demanding to go to Sea World next!

The carnage is everywhere. Speed limits here are a minimum of 1 and maximum of 12, or as fast as your walker can wheel. And the stop lights? The cross walk is no man’s land for cars, for a solid 17 minutes. Did I mention that all these blue-bonnet lassies are towing a 15oz excuse for some dog? That slows things to a well, backward would actually be an improvement.

So wanna go their yet?

The state was the first to see Europeans, yet, it waited until 1845 to become a state of the union, exhibiting I guess a lot of questionable conduct. Ponce de Leon was the first to arrive and named it La Florida, or flowery land. No idea what the inhabitants who were already there called it. Home comes to mind.

The usual wars ensued when the English came around. Mostly they set English supporting tribes on Spanish supporting tribes. The English are good at getting others to do their dirty work.

Slaves regularly ran away to Florida, where the Spanish first converted them to Roman Catholicism, and then set them free. Never one to let an opportunity go by, the Catholics.  The Treaty of Paris gave the mess to England, and the Treaty of Versailles gave it back to the Spanish. Spain gave it to the New U S of A, in exchange for us not meddling in Texas. (We lied. Note that as a pattern)

Once we owned it free and clear it was time to clean out the Indians (remember those people who called it simply “home.”). Three Seminole Wars later, the state was still not rid of them pesky red skins, and some of them took to the Everglades, where they are said to remain to this day.

With the discovery of how good cotton grows, the state changed it’s mind about freedom for Africans, and enslaved them again (remember we  lie a lot) and put them to useful work in the fields. You all know how that story ended.

The state remained low in population until old people, who are always slow to get new things, discovered it was WARM there, and started their walker migration.

Florida suffers more lightning strikes than any place in the US. Most of those are to old men in golf carts. Gotta get that exercise you know. Wives exercise by lifting bloody marys in the club house. This means that over time, there are more old women than old men, and gigolos flock to retirement settlements to find an easy mark.

Hurricanes don’t deter these folks, mostly because Alzheimer’s robs them of any recall of the last one. Many are seen roaming around the malls with inflatable vests over their leisure suits, “just in case.” Nursing homes pass them out as the height of  “chic” and the poor dears never know the difference.

There are some nice animals that live there, but this is overshadowed by all the icky reptiles.

Hanging chads. Need I say more?

On the plus side, it has the lowest incidence of earthquakes, so the penis will not be falling off it seems.

Two-thirds of the population was born in another state, so no point in asking directions anywhere. Chances are, they won’t know.

I could give you actual numbers, but let’s just say, it’s mostly white with a localized Cuban population. Not to be confused with Hispanic. Believe me on this. They are two totally different things.

Median age: OLDER THAN SIN

Religion: Very Catholic and when it’s not, it’s Jewish.

Economy: you know, oranges and grapefruits. Oh yeah, and tourists who come to look at all the old people.

Education: classes are held when they can get enough children together to fill a classroom.

My advice: Don’t waste your time. Most of the state will be under water in a few decades due to rising sea levels.  The “Big Dick” will be reduced to a Pencil Dick by then. 

If you are a girl gigolo and looking for a hot sugar daddy with deep pockets, just hang out at the mall and look for men whose belts are up under their armpits. And SCORE!

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What is Going on With Alabama? #3

When a state needs four A’s in its name, you know you are dealing with an inferiority complex par excellence. I mean really.

Indeed, when your maps consistently place your state within a panoply of other states just so people will know where you are, that’s another sign of weak ego. Truly, could you find Alabama on a blank map? I surely couldn’t. Who would bother to learn?

I can testify that if you are on the Eastern Seaboard and have reason to head to Alabama that driving directions consist of “take I-95 south to Georgia, turn left and when you feel stupid, stop. You are there.”

What do I know about Alabama? Um, Joe Namath played college ball there?

The state flag consists of a big ol’ X. I’m advised that these are strategically placed throughout the state to assure its citizens that indeed “you are here.” Why they want to be here, is anybody’s guess of course.

Alabama was one of those Confederate states who, given the above, still figured they could govern themselves better than the US of A could. This of course raises the image of a state in utter delusion. It’s a good place for the military to have a lot of bases, and so they do.

This gulf state is nicknamed the Yellowhammer state after its bird. I have no clue what a Yellowhammer looks like, other than this:

Which is apparently what you are driven to locate after spending a whole day looking skyward for a yellow bird.

Anyway, like most every state in our union, Alabama is named after native Peoples (the one’s whom we stole the whole bleepin’ country from, remember?). The pronunciation was a bit more like Albaamo, from the Choctaw language. The interfering Spaniards first came across the name, and you know that the Spanish are notoriously bad at pronunciation. So another bastardized name emerged.

Just add another A, and drop an O and otherwise scramble. There were minor flirtations with U’s and I’s but the locals were adamant at likin’ only A’s.

Definitions range from “here we rest,” to “clean up those weeds.” And most Alabamians seem to do the former, but not the latter. If you’ve been there, you know that.

All manner of nations and other states at one time or another laid claim to various parts of what is today the unremarkable state lines of Alabama. No one is willing to admit why they ever wanted any of it today. There is a story there for sure, but I’m not interested enough to pursue it. Be my guest.

It’s first state constitution provided for universal suffrage–for white men–and when asked, most white men in the state think it would be better off if that were still the case.

Of course, cotton was the crop of choice. When you put on those cotton socks, you walk on Alabama. Remember that.

Alabamians are a rigid and stubborn people. They refused to redistrict their state preferring to have the rural areas dominate the state legislature into the 1960′s. There may have been other motives in mind other than purely love of the plow.

Most people figure that Alabama is just mad because it didn’t get much of a coastline. Florida stole most of it because it always knew it would be a tourist mecca. What did a cotton plantation need with ocean views after all?

The state boasts its own “great natural disaster” in a five-mile-round impact crater called the Wetumpka Crater. It is not thought that many died from the violent impact. But that’s not been verified yet. Records are pretty thin for 80 million years ago. Plans have been discussed of turning the entire crater into a giant skateboard track, but scientists object. (Don’t they always take all the fun out of things?) Anyway, you can’t see much of it, but there is a nice sign you can read.

Weather wise, it’s hot in the summer, and cool in the winter, with “copious” precipitation. This is probably not a good sign. Tropical storms, hurricanes and more thunderstorms than anywhere else in the US are definitely not drawing cards. Ducks are reported to even get sick of all the rain, and sneak into Georgia.

The state has a significantly high number of folks killed by lightning, which suggests that Alabamians don’t know when to come in out of the rain. Most tend to stay close to the “you are here” signs for reassurance, and of course they are made of metal. A bill has been introduced to have them made of wood, which would provide some jobs every few years when they need repainting. A pilot project noted that after three years most signs would end up with “yo r her” which is gender confusing to say the least.

It has two complete idiots for senators. Not an opinion. That’s a fact.

Alabama is in a race with Mississippi to see who can have the lowest high school graduation numbers. Some credit must be given to Mississippi, which has four i’s in its name, signalling a very egotistical population, and also one that likes a good joke.

I can’t think of anything else you need to know. All in all, I can’t think of any good reason to stop in on the state, unless you just plain want to see what it feels like to feel a bit stupid for a bit. People do smile there a lot, I’ll give ‘em that. But then, they really don’t know they live in Alabama.