Once upon a time, a full head of luxurious hair was considered de rigueur in social circles. Men grew it long, flowing, and especially if you were a member of a rock band, you found many chances to shake it and snap it back and forth. Women ate it up, almost literally.
Not so any more. Sad to say.
Hair has become an impediment, something that is used to mask all sorts of inadequacies.
Anthropologists at Yale, studying the phenomenon, are split frankly as to whether or not this downward trend in men’s hair started with The Donald. Proponents point to the fact that his “do” is the product of a nightmarish combination of Jackson Pollack’s and Salvador Dali’s artistic endeavors, that has resulted in a “cap of swirl” that frankly gives rise to dyspepsia in most observers.
Opposition scholars point out that no one actually knows what part if any of the “squirrel cap” is actually real. After all, it may all be smoke and mirrors and creative combing of as little as 10 actual strands, they suggest. In which case, it doesn’t qualify as a “full head” under anyone’s definition.
One has only to look at the current political landscape to discover however, that hair is taking a beating. Mittens Romney is possessor of hair perfection as many would note. That family-inherited “graying from the roots that never grows out to the ends is simply fascinating to hair aficionados. How can hair grow that way, they ponder? I mean how does the hair follicle produce a hair that is dark on the one end and then runs out of color at the root? Or is the Mittens simply engaging in some extreme form of “frosting”?
Rick Perry has long been known in Texas as holder of “the hair”. It is a more natural looking color than Mittens goes for, and has that rugged, just short of unkept look, that Texans favor. Perry is a man who can wear a good Stetson without getting the hat “ring” when he removes it. It’s a magical trick that only a true Texan can pull off. Moreover it resembles that cross between the “just before 60′s look, combined with the 80′s MBA look.” So totally appropriate for that up-and-coming junior exec.
Both of these poor guys are falling badly out of favor these days. Perry learned that “the hair” could not overcome general stupidity and foot-down-throat disease. Mittens sadly realizes now that that “The Capstone” has lost its intrigue and can’t over come his bland personality and which-way-is-the-wind-blowing principles.
Anthropologists were unsure what all this meant until yesterday, when matters came to a head. The king of all kings, lord of all lords, hairs of all hairs—-Blagoman himself crashed and burned.
The Hair Man himself has been sent off to the Big House for fourteen hair-growing years.
In any case, never has good hair fallen so far.
Department Chief, Alex Puddletrude, reports that Blagojevich’s dramatic plunge into the hard scrabble of prison life, was the final piece in the puzzling puzzle.
“Surely this means that hair is no longer considered an asset,” he warbled, all the while running his hand over his slick dome.
“Nope, hair doesn’t carry weight any more.”
When asked how to explain the recent surge of Newtie Patootie, who undeniably has a full shock of hairs, Professor Puddletrude shrugged.
“We’re continuing to look into the matter, but our initial belief is that watching somebody who has that much hot air, and whose head is expanding at a rate far exceeding what my colleagues in the Astronomy Department say the universe is growing, is just so enthralling, that people can’t stop watching.
When asked to explain more fully, Puddletrude turned the mike over to Astronomy Cosmologist, Aaron Smicklepike, who went on.
“We believe that the phenomenon of Newtie has nothing to do with his hair but rather with the shock that one man can express this much chutzpah and self-aggrandizement.” He continued. “People are simply dumb-struck that megalomania can occur at this level within only one man. My colleagues in the School of Medicine AND in the Department of Psychiatry, are busy re-examining all known parameters along these lines. Newt has shot up to join such other “full of themselves” creatures as Hitler, Napoleon, Ivan the Terrible, and Caligula in a shorter time than any of them. They are setting up testing procedures now, in hopes of explaining this development.”
He then added. “We are sure it has nothing to do with the hair. You can note the important differences from the start: It’s GREY, and that may be an important key. In any event we are sure, that once the public has gotten over its shock, dismay will cause everyone to turn away in disgust. In fact, recent polling suggests that what is starting to be “IN” this year, is a short, fairly dark, strand with a certain kink to it. It seems to be increasingly popular these days.”
News Flash: Are Boobs next?