Flat-Heads Speak Up From Flatlandia

The land where syllogisms are upended and deductive reasoning is banned.

Flatheads abound in our country today. (This comes as news to those who have regarded the long extinct Neandertal flatheads.)

For instance, this gem of non-existent logic:

A new group, called the Center for Marriage Policy, can explain all this marriage equality demand quite simply. Led by none other than our dear anti-feminist, old hag Phyllis Schlafly, whose vagina has been locked down for four decades now, CMP alleges that the marriage equality fight is waged by feminists.

And the reason why? Because these lazy old beotches want to screw the day-lights out of men, while married to women, so as they can collect welfare from government, by forgetting their birth control and making them babies, and because they really hate men anyway, but love that love stick. Confused?  Then you have reached the state of Flatlandia!

The way to sidle up to the African-American folk, according to Newt, it to offer them jobs. Newt, sees the problem: little black kids have zero role models when it comes to the work ethic. His solution? Putting them to work as early as age nine. And bonus: the GOP hates the minimum wage, so of course, they can be paid slave below minimum wage  too. Newt admits that  some of these poor kids do get some work ethic, but only from “illegal” jobs. Can’t wait to see Newt’s favorables skyrocket in the African-American community.

Newt has more advice for other poor folks. Besides his advice, (which no one can seriously argue with) to take a bath before going out to interview,  the salamander has come up with some more good advice. And that is: stop all this unemployment insurance. According to Newt, 20-40% of those who are denied extensions, go out and get a job. Newt of course is silent on the other 60-80%. This is Flatlandia! And this is red meat to Flat-Landers. This from the dude who charges $60,000 for an hour speech. We look pretty damn little from that high perch don’t we Grifter?

Herm Cain says that the country is run by stupid people. In a round world, one might say, “it takes one to know one”, but in Flatlandia, what passes for sage GOP heads, nod in agreement.

  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  • She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up;

These are common pick-ups lines  in Flatlandia. (from 3quarksdaily)

Alleluia! Here in Flatlandia, we have a new website: Women for Herman Cain. We start out by calling out those “husbandless” accusers of poor Mr. Cain. And then the testimonials, of all those women in America who Mr. Cain has not fondled or poked. Do not miss this one folks. Hours of viewing and reading pleasure. In Flatlandia, we take care of our own.

In Flatlandia, Mittens is real. Because in Flatlandia, plastic is what everything is made out of.

Michele Bachmann is starting to flesh out her Presidential team. Donald (he’s still THE HAIR here) Trump for Veep and Rick (still has a Google problem here) Santorum for AG. It is Flatlandia after all.

Newt is heard to exclaim late at night by passers-by his hotel bedroom: “You’re riding the next President, BABY!” This is Flatlandia!

Worries grow in Flatlandia, that recipients of food stamps might be using them to buy unhealthy fast foods. Flat-heads also believe that First Lady Michele Obama should stop trying to tell them what their children should eat in school cafeterias. This is called unnecessary governmental interference in personal lives. Flat-heads are proud of the fact that they can keep two diametrically opposed ideas in their head at the same time, and enunciate either at the drop of a hat, AND with a straight face. It’s a talent most flat-headers are required to accomplish before being allowed to graduate from high school.

Megan McCain, a fine flat-header, has been around politics all her life. She knows a lot. She knows Sarah and she has now met Michele. She had a poor opinion of Michele, that is until she met her. And between the two? Well she had this to say:

“I think she’s — this is going to get me in trouble — but I actually I think she’s just more smarter.”

Yes, you ARE in Flatlandia! Megan, dear, you are more smarter than my dog, almost.

There is a vote coming as to whether or not Mittens will be allowed to remain in Flatlandia. Plenty think he’s not flat enough. Flat-heads are fairly perceptive about such things. They can smell a fake. If they like the smell, they keep ‘em, if not they throw them back. Mittens is like a used-car salesman who knows he’s a used-car salesman.

Finally, in Flatlandia, words are important, and everyone must use good english. Here is a primer to help you negotiate the flatness of the land.

  • Don’t say ‘capitalism.’
  • Don’t say that the government ‘taxes the rich.’ Instead, tell them that the government ‘takes from the rich.’
  • Republicans should forget about winning the battle over the ‘middle class.’ Call them ‘hardworking taxpayers.’
  • Don’t say ‘government spending.’ Call it ‘waste.’
  • Don’t ever say you’re willing to ‘compromise.’
  • The three most important words you can say to an Occupier: ‘I get it.’
  • Out: ‘Entrepreneur.’ In: ‘Job creator.’
  • “Climate change” is less frightening than “global warming”
  • Don’t ever ask anyone you want them to ‘sacrifice.’
  • Always blame Washington.

Master wordman, Frank Luntz explains how those bad words are always “misinterpreted.”

Hope you have enjoyed your stay. The next flight out to Round Earth, leaves in 20 minutes.

Warning: Those who choose to stay should NOT DRINK THE WATER!