Really Super Scientific Poll

As health care legislation goes into effect, and the world seemingly goes on somehow without threat of impending disaster, I got to wondering about the wonderful world of wonky. So, if I’m wondering, that leads to writing, and here you are, reading. Sounds so normal doesn’t it?

Mere months ago it seems, the world was confined in its wonkiness to a handful of bizzaro critters. A few Foxy pundits, a radio maven, and a few somehow elected officials who drank the kool-aid way back in the days of Reagan.

But of late, the numbers seem to be burgeoning into globs of gook which tend to stick to everyone’s fingers no matter how much hand sanitizer one uses. One needs more than one’s own individual digits to count ‘em all, even if one is blessed/cursed with a genetic anomaly of extra toes and tips.

So it seemed to me important somehow to determine whether we are in the midst of a crazy infestation of nuttery, or whether on the fingerless other hand we are being pawed by hordes of ethics lacking meanies. Should we hospitalize ‘em or jail ‘em in other words?

So hence, the poll. I’ve been commissioned to run this shebang enterprise by none other than myself, since so far, the great minds of planet earth have not seen fit to recognize my prowess in such matters, like you yourself have. And, you can be sure that the results will be spread far and wide.

I have it on good authority, that my results will be published on nothing less than ABC’s Evening News with Diane Sawyer, iffin’ she has the room, and iffin’ she has the extra time when not pretending to say mornin’ to JuJu on GMA each err, morning. Otherwise, they will be posted on the front door of the Troy Store, Troy Mills, Iowa, much as Luther posted his 95 complaints against Mother Church upon the door of some German house of worship.

Now to the poll. In some cases the choice will be easy. I mean, who can escape the near certainty that Ann Coulter is a money grubbing opportunist who believes none of the swill dripping from her ruby lips? I mean a more caricatured person could never be found. She is a cookie cutter, paper doll facsimile of everything one would describe as a right wing wacko nut job right?

Don’t look for ethics or compassion or even a human response. She is queen of the racist/sexist/slur in extremism. She laughs with glee, wringing her hands in delight, as the sarcasm drips from each tooth. She cackles with joy as beer-swilling, shotgun carryin’, grease monkey dudes slap down a fist full of dirty dollars onto the counter of a bookstore check out (hey Daddy, that place had more books than the school libary! Some had pitchers but most dint. Lots of words Daddy; I felt smart just walking by them).

Then, on the other side, there are difficult cases, such as Glenn Beck. Is he opportunist or is he gosh darn crazier than bat shit (why that is crazy I am not certain but the Intertubes like the phrase a lot)? It’s hard to say. Listening to his diatribes is a bit like being high on a good reefer and slugging down a nice vintage of Boonsfarm red. You can understand when you are stoned, but dude, it makes no sense the next morning. (Not that I have ANY experience, mind you!)

So, that is where we are. A long list of candidates for stealin’ from the stupid or pathetic “they’re coming to take me away haha, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful. . . ” types. Your call.

I’ve compiled a list for your convenience. You may of course add more wackos as you think of them. (It makes my head hurt once I get past twenty or so anyhow.) You may use the following abbreviations:  OS= Opportunistic Slut or BSC=Bat Shit Crazy

The List:

Ann Coulter

Glenn Beck

Sean Hannity

Bill O’Reilly

Michele Malkin

Michelle Bachmann

Steve King

Jim Inhofe

Jim Demitt

Rick Santorum

Pat Robertson

Rush Limbaugh

John Boehner

Mitch McConnell

Sam Brownbeck

Tom Colburn

Bill Kristol

John McCain

Sarah Palin (or any of her clan for that matter)

Dick Cheney

Liz Cheney

Like I said, there are probably a lot I’m missing, but you just add them in, with the proper appellation and we’ll count ‘em all.

Once in possession of a clear understanding of our enemy we shall know how to proceed. I rather like the idea of “re-education camps” but I’ll settle for permanent relocation destinations–kinda like a Carnival Cruise to Australia back in the day what with Botany Bay and all that. “Damn you to hell Kirk!” For the crazies, I’m not sure that a very large padded room with lots of Kens and Barbies might not be sufficient to keep our truly demented happy and carefree for years. Throw in a couple of slinkys and play dough cans, and we can party like it’s 1957.

A representative number should be probed, prodded, poked, and otherwise electrodaly examined for evidence of viral or genetic drift. We need to nip that in the bud as it were. The pharmaceuticals can argue over who gets dibs on the “antidote” therapy, should we decide to help them out of their delusions.

So, get out those pencils, sharpen and begin. You have 30 minutes to complete, but remember, your intuition works best. Don’t over think your answers. I am allowing three “Not sure, with explanation” per submission. Let the number crunching begin!